Lucky Leprechaun!
Yesterday, I was lucky. A leprechaun showed up and lifted me out of my funk. I was blessed by the grace of the Irish!
This last round of chemo has been a bummer, just the same way as my third lap around the track of speedwork is a bummer. I go to the track, partly because I’ve acquired a taste for speedwork, and partly because if I don’t, I’ll never cross the finnishline! (I’m more tortoise than hare!) If I set out to do 8 fast laps, always by the third one I’m questioning my sanity, as well as the health of such activity! By the 5th lap, I’m cursing openly…go faster, you !@#$%^ cow!
By the 6th lap, I’ve settled into being slow, and looking for elderly or infirm people to try to pass. By the 7th lap, I regroup and run the last two fast, bubbling with exhilaration, and pleasantly surprised tht I went faster than I had thought myself capable of. In a weird way, I look forward to next week’s speedwork! Go figure!
But chemo isn’t quite like my marathon-training speedwork. I’m even grumpier! And much more tired. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of not wanting to eat, of being bald, of trying to be positive. I’m tired, and ready to be done with this already!!!
Some people say that cancer made them better people. I’m still waiting. It makes me an impatient person. Grrr. Grumble.
OK, where was I…Day 35, which means only 64 days of chemo left. (We started with 99 days.) I’m at about mile 11 of this race. Out of 16 weeks of treatment, I’ve finnished 5. Out of 8 treatments, I’ve had 3, and will be halfway through next Friday.
On St. Patricks Day, I ran 3 miles, happy about my new running shoes. But I was bummed because my heel was still sore, I had no strength, AND I had allergies on top of the chemo funk. I’ve never not been able to run 3 miles. But this time, I was seeing stars and had to stop to walk several times. Very demoralizing!
I came home and stood in the shower, and just blubbered. I howled and sniffled. I griped loud and long to myself about just how much crap I’ve been through over the last few months. I was sad that every time I see a Susan Komen commercial on TV I get all choked up. I was sad because My family has to suffer with this right along with me. I felt sorry for myself because I just wanted to lay down and take yet another nap, because I was so tired, but no, I had to teach in a half hour. Why couldn’t I be one of the “idle rich”!? After all I’d been through.
I somehow manage to right my capsized mind, put on my wig and taught one of my adult students, who is always fun to work with. (Truly, it’s good for me to teach, so I have to be “norml” a little bit each day.)
Towards the end of the lesson, I heard the fron door open. My mom came in and went into the kitchen, and started cleaning up. When my student left, she said she’d come to take me out for lunch, for St. Patricks Day, and I’d better wear something green. (Previously, I’d been feeling so grumpy that no life-loving leprechaun would dream of trying to pinch me. I was wearing someting grungy and not green. But my mom is more persistent and braver than the average leprechaun. You don’t say no to her!)
We headed out into the sunshine and spring flowers to a charming restaurant near my house. We ate, and I could taste again! I complained, thouh the gripes were losing steam. We reflected on a dear friend of ours who has bravely fought and won this illness several times. “What would she say and do?!”
I was struck once again by the realization that my situation could be so much worse! That really, I’m inconvenienced, but not incapacitated. Of course I don’t feel like my good old self, but I will have a full recovery, and I’m just goig to have to, as my sister would say, “put on my big-girl panties and deal with it!”
Jenny does have such a way with words!
Then Mom and I went to her house to look at the new baby clothes she’ll sending to my brother and his wife, for their little boy soon to be born!!!
Life is rich and exciting, even when I’m a spectator instead of a player! How lucky that I have great things to look forward to, and that I have people looking after me! Attitude adjustments are always welcome! Especially when they come from leprechauns in mother’s clothing!
