Team DeAnne

I didn’t want to go to the hospital this morning.  Past tense:  chemo WAS fun.  Now I’d just like it to be over.  But we do what we have to do.  I didn’t run this morning.  No way am I going in there the least bit dehydrated.  It’s always a bit of an adventure to get the IV in, even under good well-hydrated circumstances!  I was also a bit out of sorts because yesterday’s phlebotomist was new and managed to poke some extra holes in my arm, and I worried that the vein was compromised and would affect my treatment today.  I was also nervous because I was beginning a new phase of treatment, the first of 4 rounds of Taxol. 

Yesterday the oncologist informed me that most of his patients deal with Taxol better than the stuff I was taking before.  But if I was one of the rare ones who found it harder, then it would be alot harder.  The hospital hadn’t managed to send him my bloodcounts at that time, but he said that judging by the looks of me, I was doing fine and ornerier than ever.  He said he’d call me if the blood test results weren’t good, but plan on taking this next step!  He gave me a hug and Jenny and I were on our way.  (Jenny is the patron saint of phobic patients, I swear!)

So, Round 5.  This is the same as mile 16.3 or so.  A time of introspection and self-evaluation.  The pack has thinned out on the racecourse, and so you’re alone with your thoughts.  There aren’t so many people to talk to anymore, and those in your vicinity are saving their breath.  Or, we just don’t have anything nice to say! 

Mom and Dad went with me, and once the Benedryl started to make me too groggy to carry on intelligent conversation, and the Taxol was begun without any adverse effects, they went to lunch.  I took stock of where I’ve been, and where i’ve been at.

I used to be sort of embarrarssed by what a slow runner I am.  I’m not deplorable for a woman my age, but you won’t see me as the leader of the pack.  In one trail marathon I actually won 2nd place for women in my age division.  But then, there were only 2 women in my age group, and I was the slower of the two!  Now, I can croak out 3 miles, and they are slower than ever and I feel every step. 

I can’t sing.  Or rather, I can, for a day or two, then I get some side-effects and have to let it go for a week or so. 

I can’t play the piano too well, because I’m starting to have something funky going on with my fingrnails, and that hurts.  it’s a fairly common side-effect, and totally temporary, but it’s cramping my style!

I can’t get together with my friends for luch because between teaching, I need a nap!  Furthermore my strict macrobiotic-healthier-than-thou eating habits make me a bit of a bore to eat with, I’m sure.

I’ve always been one to sleep less to find the time to do it all.  I’ve always been fiercely competitive, relentlessly hard on myself, and also pretty relentless in my expectations of the people in my life.  In short, I lived in a way that wore me out!!!

You don’t realize how cool you really were until you’re suddenly just not yourself anymore.  You’ve been forced to change.  Some of it is not happy, but it calls upon you to make positive changes…with a vengeance, because it feels like a matter of life or death!   Seriously!  I’ve realized that though I’m a very physical person, while my body is weak, my spirit has to grow.  And good nutrition!  A matter of life and death!  No way will I ever be too “tired” to fix and eat my vegetables. 

Most of all, while I’m at my funkiest, I have been constantly surrounded by miraculous and unconditional love.  It no longer matters what I look like or wear or do, or the jokes I tell, or any of that superficial stuff.  From the people who played Jenny’s raffle and helped me pay off so many of my medical bills that weren’t covered by the insurance…to the Crystal Clear ladies who volunteered to clean my home and those of so many cancer patients, to the Ceres Project…to my family…and my students who continue to show up even though each week they’re probably not sure what they’ll be walking into…(so far, i haven’t had to cancel anyone’s lesson except for doctors’ appt’s…no sickness!  Hooray!)

Anyhow, I’ve been forced to slow down and see all the love around me!  I will be me even if i don’t feel like myself for awhile, because the people all around me show me love all the time!  (Jenny says I have a pretty good racket going on here!)

It changes my perspective.  Rather than running around in a state of frustration over what I don’t have, I’m grateful and happy about all the things that ARE wonderful!  it makes me want to give back.  I’ve been thinking about a few projects that will benefit others as well as myself  once this chemo thing is over.  Maybe then, this blog will morph into a chronicalling of my pursuit to change the world!

Stay tuned!  By the way, round 5 complete, and all is well.  I guess I’ll just keep chugging on this marathon!

This entry was posted on Friday, April 9th, 2010 at 10:05 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.