Round 6/Mile 20!!!!!!
Mom and I went to see the oncologist on Thursday. It had been a long siege since the last round. My nose was out of joint because the good doctor had happily told me that I was all finnished with the Adriamycin and the Cytoxan, which were the two really scary drugs. Now I’d begin Taxol, which his patients always say they tolerate better than the other two. I couldn’t wait!
But no, it wasn’t easier! For two weeks my nose and eyes ran constantly, like when I watched “The English Patient”. Instead of one bone-marrow-boosting shot, I had to have three, one a day for 3 days after chemo. Those shots left me feeling achy-breaky and absolutely exhausted and good for nothing. I had a weird rash all over my hands, and my fingernails are starting to change colors. My fingertips feel bruised and painful. I had aches and weird throbbings in my left lower ribcage, which I was told could be a ruptured spleen. I felt like I had a chronic air bubble stuck in my lung.
Would I really survive this?!
Needless to say, when I went to see my oncologist, I had a list of my complaints. Mom and I had gone to get my blood drawn, then re-fortified ourselves with brunch at a cute little cafe in Larkspur. By the time we got to the doctor’s office, I was ready to tell him off! This is not how he said it would be!
But then I have this funny little issue about whining at authority figures. maybe it stems back from all the years doing Tae Kwon Do. If you complain, you’re sent into a corner to do push-ups. And running! If you complain, then everyone around you will think you’re a wimp. (OH NO! Is there anything worse than being a wimp?!) Even in my singing lessons, I could come in and be all psychological, as many singers are wont to do…or I can sing and make the most of this wonderful piece of time I have with a great teacher! Hence, no whining!
Thus, I see my doctor as sort of a coach/teacher/authority. Subconsciously, I don’t want him to know what a weenie I am! And miraculously, he answered my questions with a look that told me “I’m not going to let you die, don’t worry. You’re fine!” He even said I’d be able to fly back to Connecticut soon after my treatments are finnished to see my little brother’s new baby!
Feeling pumped and ready for the big infusion day, Mom and I left, and I spent the rest of the day teaching, until about 9:00 pm. It’s best to stay distracted the day before infusions. I was exhausted that evening, yet couldn’t sleep.
Friday morning I got up early enough to run 3 miles, stretch, get dressed, and pack stuff to eat and do and read during the 5 hour infusion. Jenny picked me up and I dragged myself out of the house. I. Don’t. Want. To. DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!!! Yuck!
Luckily, Jenny is a brilliant and intuitive conversationalist. All the way down to Greenbrae, she kept my mind on other things. We were running a bit late, because i’d insisted that we stop, as I was craving an Odwalla C Monster juice and a whole wheat bagle to eat instead of the hospital’s standard issue of Mac and cheese. (Or as Jenny would call it, crack n-cheese.)
We saw my comrade in arms, a lady who began her treatments the same day as I did. We waved. I got settled into my little hospital bed for round 6, signed my papers, got braceleted, and got my IV in. First came the anti-nausea med, then the anti-histamine, which makes me sleepy and sneezy. Then the steroid, and then zantac. I got up with my IV pole and wandered over to talk to my friend while Jenny was on a conference call. Poor Jenny…she has not only to work but to keep me amused. Well, I was able for now to amuse myself! And I was so amusing, especially once the benedryl hit me. My friend was so amusing too! We were cracking eachother up with how slow are speech was becoming. She started sounding like a hippie!
As the Benedryl got into my system, the nurses were taking bets on who would fall asleep first…me or the other lady. ”I dunno”, one nurse said to the other, “DeAnne looks like a light-weight, but she seems to be sitting upright more than Carol! Heehee!”
Finally when I started seeing double, I made one more trip to the restroom, then back to my little room. I ate my quinoa/mango/blackbean salad, then my bagel, then my juice. Yum! Then the Smack -n-cheese arrived. Ew! But I did eat the green beans and the orange slices and the sorbet that came with it…oh, and the bread stick. Gotta eat while I can still taste!
Then I memorized one of my Rossini songs, and fell in and out of sleep. I was awoken every 15 minutes by the automatic blood pressure cuffs. It made a sound like a bionic cow…”MMMMOOOOOOooooo”, then it would drain the life out of my poor old arm! Then the nurse would take my temperature, and then I was able to go back to sleep.
After an hour or two, my legs got restless. I woke up running! I got up to visit the restroom again, and was told that busy feet are a side-effect of the benedryl. Well that makes sense! Sleepy and yet with hyper feet…leads to running dreams. I kept dreaming of running down a hill toward the beach in Point Reyes. It was a happy dream.
Jenny drove me home. I was dazed still, and promplty wandered out to the back yard and took a snooze in my hammock in the sunshine. Blissful!
After that I wandered up to my parents’ house, where I ate some dinner then slept like a log for about 12 hours straight.
Thank goodness I have such loving people to look after me! I felt fine after chemo, but just didn’t want to be alone.
Saturday I ran at the redwoods and was overjoyed that I passed a fat guy going up a hill. I haven’t been able to do that in so long! (Neither passing anybody, nor going uphill! I’d been to week and tired!) I didn’t feel like walking or slowing down. I puttered merrily along. I knew that once I get those shots again, I’ll be tired and sore and grumpy. Those neupogen shots just don’t agree with me. So until then, I figured I’d live it up! Run while I can!
I took a shower and ate some lunch. I was even feeling so great, I went hog-wild and polished my toenails. The fingernails may not be looking so hot, but the toenails, well, we have to take control of what we can, right!
I taught a few students, ran some errands, did some Taekwondo, memorized more Rossini, then cooked a bunch of healthy food so I’ll be ready to eat well even if I get tired. What a day! But even then, by about 5 pm, even as I tried to stubbornly deny and defy my situation, I felt the old fatige creeping in.
Fatigue that makes me want to cry with frustration! I haven’t locked myself out of my house yet, which I manage to do after every chemo session. But I’ve broken alot of dishes because my fingers are too sore to hold them tightley enough to make it from the sink to the dishwasher. And I was pouring a smoothie from the blender to a glass, and missed the glass and got it all over the kitchen! The phone was ringing. I wandered off to answer it, then fell asleep and when I finally came to, the ants were having a feast all over the kitchen. These are the kinds of things that I’m ready to be done with.
Anyhow, Round 6 done! Sort of like mile 20 of the marathon. I’m stumbling alonglike a babbling idiot, and so glad that I only have 6 more to go. Trying not to trip on the curb, wishing there was something good to eat, like a nice, catered meal. Trying not to get too sunburned, because, Jeez! this is taking so long!
I look forward to being done so I can do nice things for others. For now, though, it’s still just all about me, me, me, and my silly illness. It is silly! I promise to become a better person when this is all over. For now, I just have to continue the onward slog to enlightenment.
