Feeling Harassed
I'm a swirl of emotions right now. I'm angry and scared. I'm feeling righteous and proud. I didn't sleep much last night.
And it has nothing to do with the election.
My oldest has been coming home from school with a backpack full of art projects, an empty lunch box, and hurt feelings. She told me a week ago that "Jimmy" has been trying to see her panties, and that he won't leave her alone.
When I pulled the details out, it became apparent that "Jimmy" and "Tommy" like to sit behind her during circle time, and could see the waistband on her underpants, because her jeans gapped slightly at the waist. When they teased my daughter about it, they got a strong reaction (she told them to leave her alone, in an angry voice).
I mentioned it to the teacher, who assured me that she would address it. I began dressing my daughter in pants that fit close at the waist, with shirts tucked in. "Jimmy" was sick a couple of days last week, and I thought we were done.
But yesterday, my daughter came home agitated, and said that "Jimmy," "Tommy," and "Susie" were trying to pull her pants down, repeatedly. As soon as the teacher turned her back, they would start yanking on her waistband and taunting her. This happened several times over the course of the last two days. My daughter wasn't the only 'victim' of these kids. It happened in the class and on the playground. Skirts were lifted, shirts pulled up, and pants tugged down.
Trying to keep the anger out of my voice, I asked my daughter to show me what they were doing. Then I asked her how she reacted.
"No! Stop! Pick on someone your own size! Leave me alone! Don't touch me!" With two younger siblings, my girl is skilled at telling people to leave her alone, in no uncertain terms. And yet, these kids kept on, despite her clear message.
I felt like puking. I pulled out the class picture and had my daughter point out the kids who were doing this, and then tried to find a phone number for the mother of "Jimmy." I called a wrong number and then took a couple of deep breaths.
I called my daughter to me. "Honey, when you are asking someone to stop, and they won't, you need to yell STOP! and put your hands out at them." She replied "But then I'll get in trouble. We aren't allowed to yell in class." I gave her implicit permission to scream as loud as she wanted, and told her I would discuss THAT with the teacher as well.
Gah. I assured her that the hubs and I would speak with the teacher and the principal and the parents of the other kids and anyone else we needed to to get this to stop happening. She went off to sleep, and I tossed and turned and stewed.
What I wanted to do: corner those kids and spew my mother-wrath all over them. Then do the same thing to their parents and the teacher for 'allowing' this to happen.
What I did: My husband and I marched into school as a unit, and addressed the teacher in a calm but firm manner. She was properly horrified and vowed to make it stop. Today. For good. The principal was being brought into class and they were going to have a kindergarten-wide discussion about inappropriate touching and behavior. The yard duties and supervising teachers are going to be on the lookout and the offending children's parents are going to be notified.
In the event that it is still happening, I was told the next step is a conference with our family, the other kids' families, the teacher and the principal. I still feel nauseous.
When my daughter was born, I shed a lot of tears, knowing that I wouldn't always be there to protect her from bad things. I am proud of her for standing up to these kids, and proud of her for telling me what's happening.
My heart is aching that she is out in the big bad world, with nothing but her wits and fists as her frontline defense. I'm hoping that this will be the end of this for now, and we can look back on this as a lesson in assertiveness and personal space.
And I'm trying to ignore the lump in my throat that tells me this is the first hurdle of the many that lie in my path as a parent. And I'm praying for wings on my shoes to help me clear them with speed and minimal dust being kicked up.
Comments
I am totally horrified! Your poor daughter? What is the matter with kids these days? Maybe you guys could have a mother/daughter night: get some dinner and chat, buy some snazzy belts to tighten the pants and maybe take a martial arts class so she can learn how to kick some bad-kid ass?
Posted by: Lindsey | November 3, 2004 11:07 AM
Hugs to you, Jenny. You're doing everything right (as is your daughter). It's still heartbreaking, I know. But you're an awesome mama and she'll be okay!
Posted by: Mir | November 3, 2004 11:07 AM
Something similar happened to my daughter in KINDERGARTEN, just a month or so ago. I vowed to the teacher and principal that if I even caught wind of something like this again, I would sit in her class behind the trouble makers and break things until they stopped.
No one touches my daughter without her permission. No one.
Posted by: Lee | November 3, 2004 11:09 AM
Jenny, I say to you and the Three Kid Circus Popsy - BRAVO! And props to the teacher/principal/school for their immediate response. Be assured, your kiddo will take heed. Her lesson learned: Don't take the crap and her peeps are there for her, they have her back. All this pays off big time when she reaches my Molly's age and the tyranny of middle school. Moll is in the thick of it, brave and calm, not taking shit and looking detractors straight in the eye. Of course she does that to me too, but she has to practice somewhere.
You so totally rock.
Posted by: GraceD | November 3, 2004 11:13 AM
oh jenny, I'm so sorry you and poor L are dealing with idiot kids. It's not fair. lots and lots of hugs. you are a great mom; L is lucky to have you.
mwah.
Posted by: steph | November 3, 2004 12:10 PM
My heart goes out to you. I hope that the bullying stops. Now. Good luck and good job for teaching your kids how to defend themselves in a good way.
Posted by: Jazzy | November 3, 2004 1:20 PM
I'm sorry that this has happened to your little girl. Sad that the teacher didn't take the complaint seriously the first time you spoke with her. I can't stand kids without manners! Thankfully, this time people were on the ball and it's now being addressed. You did the RIGHT thing by bringing it to their attention. I'm sure your daughter will remember how you and your hubs backed her up big time so that this doesn't happen to her OR any of the other kids. Kudos to you both!
Posted by: Grace | November 3, 2004 1:30 PM
Your instincts are right. No child should be robbed of his/her innocence! A kindergartener should not have to know or think about those things. Homeschooling allows blessed time for the child to grow without such abuse. And, it is simple and pleasant for mothers of little ones.
Posted by: bonnie | November 3, 2004 2:33 PM
I understand your upset about this! It may help (maybe not) to look at the other side of the coin on this one. I am sure the parents of these children would be upset with their children if they knew what was going on... I know, one of my little ones seemed to think it was funny/silly at that age to tease/joke/etc about anything and everything to do with bottoms, panties, or bottom humour. She was not a bad, nasty, abused, rude or even neglected little girl; just one that needed to learn boundaries and social graces. As a protective parent, it is easy to jump the worst possible scenarios... but sometimes kids are just naughty and need to be taught and instructed in what is acceptable and not. Good luck!
Posted by: Amber | November 3, 2004 3:16 PM
‘I gave her implicit permission to scream as loud as she wanted, and told her I would discuss THAT with the teacher as well.'
Good job!
That is the best ammunition you can give your daughter- the power to vocalize her protests. When I told the teacher and principal that my daughter would yell out at the little delinquent to stop, I also made sure that my daughter could repeat the offending slang right back at them for pure shock value. “Don’t you call me a….” That was one thing that the school was afraid of hearing.
When they realized that we were serious they put the thumb on the boy for every misbehaving deed they could find so there would not be that outbursts in the classroom. It stopped very quickly.
Posted by: annie | November 3, 2004 5:04 PM
I agree with Annie, giving her permission to yell out, even in class, is such a powerful thing. Too many kids get abused and bullied because the feel they aren't allowed to fight back, because nice kids don't hit or yell out. I hope that these kids realise what they're doing is wrong.
Posted by: Bec | November 3, 2004 6:38 PM
Bravo, Jenny. Yes, it would be nice if we could put that Bubble-O'-Force-Field around them throughout their life. But your girl *has* a force field around her: it's the outstanding training she's received from her mama.
You go, girl.
Posted by: Mellie Helen | November 3, 2004 6:50 PM
See, this is when you pull a Rebecca De Mornay. Remember that scene in The Hand That Rocks The Cradle where she confronts the bully on the playground? *Totally* inappropriate but God, there have been many times I have had to pull myself back and remind myself that the offender in question is only a child. Go on with your bad mama bear self! Hugs to L for her Auntie Lu. xoxox
Posted by: lu | November 3, 2004 7:07 PM
You did the right thing. I'm sorry your girl had to go through that. I remember reading something like that in an e-group but in that case, the parents of the bullying child refused to believe their child was capable of doing such thing.
Posted by: nectar | November 3, 2004 7:12 PM
Oh my blood pressure just went up reading about this!
You handled it great, better than I would have I am sure.
Posted by: chris | November 3, 2004 7:17 PM
You already gave her the best present, you trusted her.
That will provide her with the inner strength to face anything, knowing that her mom and dad believe her.
Seems like "Jimmy" and "Tommy" need some Nudito Bandito time, that curiosity they are feeling indicates a family atmosphere that is not providing with a healthy approach to the difference between boys and girls.
Posted by: Blex | November 3, 2004 7:43 PM
Sorry to hear about this happening. Kids can do such stupid things to torment other kids and I got mad just reading your post. Your daughter seems to be handling this very well and I'm sure she'll come out of it fine. You and your husband are doing the right thing too; nice job trying to resolve this fast. Hope you sleep better tonight.
Posted by: Linda | November 3, 2004 7:50 PM
Oh god, I'm not sure how I'd handle something like that. Badly, to be sure.
I'm dreading that time, because I've got two very long in the leg, big beautiful eyes, long hair, dark lashed little gurls, who I just know are going to cause trouble and have their own fair share of it.
Maybe I should start praying now??
Posted by: Norti | November 3, 2004 8:34 PM