Happy/Sad Crying Jag Woman
That twanging noise you hear? That's the sound of my heartstrings being pulled roughly. It's not bad, you know, but a little unnerving.
I used to pride myself on being level-headed. I didn't consider myself to be sentimental or overly emotional about the minute details of my life.
Enter the kids. I smiled as I took their baby months at a trot, cheered the milestones and looked forward to the next big thing. I tried to live in the moment as fully as I could, while refusing to be sentimental, knowing that behind this baby was that other baby, and then the other one, and the "lasts" were in the distant future.
Yesterday, my husband and I were trying to find the allen wrench to take apart the crib so that the flooring guys can do their magic. It was a little early, but we had the toddler bed all ready, and figured we could get her used to the new bed before the floors went in. We couldn't find the right wrench, and while the hubs searched the garage, I rested my head in my hands and cried. (We never did find it - the crib is still standing. Maybe I'll get it together this next weekend, or we'll just put her back into it. We'll see.)
That crib was the first "nice" piece of furniture we bought together. In fact, for a while there, it was the ONLY nice piece we owned. For a family that co-slept much of the time, it is ironic how much that crib symbolizes. I've spent hours beside it, singing, rocking my babies, leaning over the side to pat a tiny back or adjust a blanket. I've rested my head against the cool wood and cried, tears of frustration and pain, tears of joy and gratitude. I've listened to the rustles and quiet sighs as they slept, and chanted "stay like this stay like this stay like this stay like this."
My youngest is turning two. The baby years are evaporating even as I try to crush them to my chest, to keep them small and mine, all mine for a while longer. Gah, I'm bawling again. Not sentimental, my ass.
Then, I read this entry and it got going even more with the happy/sad crazy crying. As I went about my errands yesterday, I was red and puffy and quick to tear up (because the traffic lights were all red and green and pretty in the rain.) I did the only thing that made sense. I made a beeline to Trader Joe's and got another bucket-o-reception sticks and had myself a peppermint and chocolate party.
I feel so much better. (If I ever complain about my butt, just point me here mkay?)
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Comments
Ah, Jenny, I know how you feel. It's so bittersweet to have your kids grow up.
Our crib is one of the nicest pieces of furniture we own, too, and I will NOT get rid of it. It was expensive and bought in a boutique in San Franciso when we had 2 incomes--it's getting passed on.
BTW, you can buy an Allen wrench just about anywhere.
Posted by: Stephanie C. | December 7, 2004 9:24 AM
I'm right smack dab in the middle of sleepless nights, first steps, first Christmas... etc... and those entries (both yours and the one you linked too) made me cry... I guess all I can do is try to appreciate it as much as I can while it's all happening! I already miss my baby being teeny tiny. He's such a little BOY now as 8 months old!
Posted by: Erin | December 7, 2004 9:45 AM
Heh, did you see my comment on Mamacita's post? I said I needed to go put my youngest in a compression chamber. ;)
Posted by: Mir | December 7, 2004 9:46 AM
I have been trying to avoid this subject like the plague. My son, Pat will be going to school next year. Time is going by so fast. I remember waking up at three in the morning to nurse him. I remember how sweet his skin was. Now he says "No Mommy, I can do it!" It just breaks my heart. I still have an 18 month old. He is so freakin' independent I couldn't possible do anything for him. He is already showing signs he can start potty training! Then there's Megan. She's already a month old! Before I blink she'll be one. I hold on to her. I pray she stays close to me and doesn't become a trader like the other ones but I know I'll be letting go of her chubby hand one day. Being a parent has been the most heartbreaking experience. When I was 13 I thought losing my first boyfriend was hard. This is worse. Once they start school they are independent. They still need us but it's never the same. Now I'm boohooing!
Posted by: jenni | December 7, 2004 10:08 AM
Awwwe, I'm crying now too!!!
Posted by: Lindsey | December 7, 2004 10:18 AM
I am pregnant with what will be my last baby. I pulled out the bin of newborn stuff and was very teary over it all.
Time just passes so quickly as an adult. What happened to childhood time where a single day stretched out like eternity? Sigh...
Posted by: chris | December 7, 2004 12:01 PM
Awwwwwwwww. You've got me all choked up. Your description of all the hours you have spent next to that crib got me going. SO beautiful.
Posted by: cooper | December 7, 2004 12:44 PM
Sniffle, sniffle, HONK (infamous nose blow d'Grace).
Sheesh! Why do you do this to me in my cubicle, Jenny?
Posted by: GraceD | December 7, 2004 12:45 PM
(sniffle sniffle) The whole "baby is growing up" thing is why I now have TWO kids. As soon as the first one outgrew her tiny little jammies, I realized I needed to get pregnant again. Fast. Unfortunately, Baby #2 came out a whole lot bigger, and never was able to fit into those tiny little jammies.
Posted by: Tammy | December 7, 2004 2:13 PM
:(
Posted by: Bec | December 7, 2004 4:00 PM
Okay, okay; your last two posts are mirroring what I've been living and/or blogging about too. I am beginning to suspect that we are living in parallel universes. But I'll take the ants in your universe any time.
Posted by: Mellie Helen | December 7, 2004 5:07 PM
That's a great post, Jenny, and spot on in reflecting how parents feel as their kids grow up. Thanks for the reminder to cherish every single day of their babyhood.
Posted by: Linda | December 7, 2004 5:56 PM
My youngest turned 3 in October and she's still in her crib! I can't give it up. And she's still in diapers/pullups, and that's OK with me too. But I will soon have to stop calling her "baby," because she gets mad and says, "I'm NOT a baby!" I'm a KID!" Sob, sob.
Posted by: Karen | December 7, 2004 7:31 PM
OMIGOSH Jenny!!!!
Now i haveto go hug the twins and weep over Darby becoming a tweenie!!! I remember everything from the way they smelled to all the no sleep to crying because they wouldn't stop to even now crying cause they argue :-)
I have to go and boo hoo now. Man I hate emotional mornings !!!!
Hang in there honey and remember you can always call!!!
Love
Carrie
Posted by: Carrie | December 8, 2004 8:01 AM
Dammit. I hate crying at work.
Posted by: Beth | December 8, 2004 8:16 AM
I hear ya! I still can't believe my youngest is 3...and still have her in the crib. Well, sort of. You see, I had the wrench in my hand and all, staring at the little crib skirt through tears, when I noticed that I could easily take off the rail and one side and...BAM...a day bed! Yippee! That'll work! For maybe six months more, anyways.
Posted by: Lizt | December 8, 2004 8:45 AM
They grow so fast!!!!!!!
Posted by: Mel | December 8, 2004 12:05 PM
We didn't have a crib for our daughter till she was seven months old. It took me that long to get it out of lay-away. Sigh. She slept in a playpen. It was perfectly safe in there but really hard on my back to put a sleeping baby in something that low. You get used to things, though. When she was almost two, we had to get her another bed, because our new son needed the crib. We made a big deal out of her new Princess Bed. Luckily for us, she fell for it. Oh by the way, I LOVE your blog. And thanks for sending people to mine!
Posted by: Mamacita | December 9, 2004 12:03 AM