State Of Grace
I've been manic the last couple of days - and my kids are starting to lose patience with my sorry self. I've told them "No. Not now. Mommy's busy. I can't. I don't. Later. Wait."
I know I've been expecting a lot, and giving the bare minimum. I have a lot of catch up work to do, and while I sit in front of the computer trying to deliver some of the work I've promised to other people, my children have been repeatedly pushed away. Chubby hands reach for the mouse in frustration, and I have found myself snarling at the owner of those delicious dimples "don't touch."
My youngest is going through a big indentifying phase. Everything gets a label, and she usually prefaces the label with "My." My shoes. My toy. My house.
She managed to clamber up into my lap while I tried in vain to continue typing. She sucked her thumb and rested her cheek against my chest as I tried to work around her. After a minute or two of that, I began to gather her up into my arms so that I could once again find another place to put her, away from my working zone.
She grabbed both my ears in her tiny talons and put her nose to my nose and said "My. Mommy." I couldn't help it. I just started to cry. I don't know how work (on jobs other than parenting and housekeeping) at home parents do it. I settled myself on the couch with my baby clinging to me, with a ferociousness that let me know I've put her down and walked away one too many times in the last couple of days.
We sat there, just leaning on each other, breathing in tandem. My son approached, and quietly sat next to me and pulled my arm around his shoulders. He melted into my side and we just sat quietly together. Both kids gave me gentle, almost subconcious kisses on my arms, my shoulders, whatever they could reach. It was a benediction, full of the promise of forgiveness for the lack of care I sometimes take with the precious gifts I have been given.
:
Add the following code to your "Journal - Entry Content" template (for more instructions, see the following guide):
Replace the { Insert your URL here } below with the URL of your page:
|
Comments
You made me cry! And you made me go and find my babies, so I could spend some downtime, just with them, hanging out. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and theirs too, I'm sure.
Posted by: Tammy | January 11, 2005 2:43 PM
Thank goodness we're instantly forgiven by those who love us most. I know that feeling exactly as they just sit next to you and hold you.
Posted by: Philip | January 11, 2005 3:06 PM
Jenny,
I've been lurking for a while, but I have to tell you that I completely identify with your feelings. My kids are 8, 3 1/2 and 19 mos. You are a GOOD mommy to recognize when the kids have had enough and need that mommy time more than you need to do whatever seemed so "important." Our babies can be so forgiving and redeeming when we feel that we clearly don't deserve it. You made me cry & smile today! Thank you.
Posted by: Buffi | January 11, 2005 3:06 PM
that made me miss my mom a lot. you're a good mom, jenny. different maybe. but good.
Posted by: rain | January 11, 2005 4:16 PM
Awwww, Jenny that is the sweetest thing I've heard all day. After a day of dealing with screaming meatloafs at work, thank you for making me smile and helping me to realize why people breed in the first place :)
Posted by: Lindsey | January 11, 2005 5:24 PM
"I don't know how work (on jobs other than parenting and housekeeping) at home parents do it."
I'll speak for myself on this one: I get by with very little sleep. I can't write while they're buzzing around me during the day. Only the deepest, darkest night can give me the peace I need to crank out copy. So I stay up late, wake up early, essentially seek out any "silent time" I can find. I'm doing it now, but set a midnight tuck-in to keep myself honest. I got a ton of work done over the last two hours, so an all-nighter will once again be avoided.
I'll catch up when they're grown.
I love how you worded this experience. I relate. All parents relate. You thoroughly get it: and you're doing fine.
Posted by: Carmi | January 11, 2005 8:48 PM
I swear you have been spying on me then writing about it! Geesh! Some people will do anything for blog fodder these days ;)
xx
Wonderful post and beautifully written...
Posted by: Amber | January 12, 2005 4:40 AM
I don't know how work at home parents do it either. I do freelance stuff and every once in a while attempt to do it during the day. I have two kids and one on the way so it usually doesn't work.
I like the site! I'll be back to check in on life with three kids!
Posted by: girl | January 12, 2005 7:05 AM
dang.
You made me cry.
*sniff*
I work at home too.
And the way I do it?
Is to not try and do both.
I have a babysitter come in the afternoons and watch Bear. I make sure to go out about once an hour and hug him and say hi.
I couldn't do it the way you are doing it!
But I feel your pain.
Good on you for being such a loving mom.
Posted by: Elizabeth | January 12, 2005 7:17 AM
okay you made me cry.. it isn't too hard to do, but i am boo hoo'ing away right now....glad i am not the only one. you are a good mommy btw, so take a breath. and hug your kids some more. you do have your priorities in order.
Posted by: Cassandra Nasr | January 12, 2005 7:42 AM
Waaaah! Jenny, blessings to you. Again you made my heart quicken then expand.
Posted by: GraceD | January 12, 2005 8:16 AM
Since I missed the recent De-Lurking Day, I'm finally emerging from the shadows now, to say that the poignancy of this entry is /still/ squeezing my heart and making breathing difficult. Simply spot on. Please know how much I enjoy your blog... well enough to mention it on my own site, in recent past! I hope you'll forgive my skulking about 'til now? Thank you for sharing your life with us, so brilliantly. Take care! -Serena
Posted by: serena (Of serenaville) | January 12, 2005 8:53 AM
I sooooooo needed to hear that this morning .....
Posted by: Jessica | January 12, 2005 9:16 AM
snif snif. That was beautiful!
I liked the idea of having a sitter. Could you pull that off? Maybe just start with one day a week for 4 hrs.... giving some spending cash to some teenager.
Posted by: Andrea | January 12, 2005 9:49 AM
*sniffle*
Posted by: Mir | January 12, 2005 3:13 PM
Thank you J for putting so beautifully into words an important reminder. *MWAH*
Posted by: Cookie | January 12, 2005 3:27 PM
It is so nice when they are the ones to initiate that cuddlin'. Too soon, they get to the point where they don't want you touching them. If we'd all just treasure these times while we have them....
Posted by: Karen | January 12, 2005 11:03 PM
I have been a basketcase since all the drama started. Tonight my son climbed onto my lap while I was trying to eat my cold hamburger. He looked at me with those gorgeous blue eyes and I melted. I saw the beautiful curls sticking out from his ears the way they do and that beautiful smile and all of a sudden all my fears of being inadaquate melted away. Then he grabs my face and plants a kiss. I love my kids. I don't think I'll be able to leave them for awhile. : )
Posted by: jenni | January 13, 2005 5:36 PM
This post made me think of something to try...
When the kids behave well, they get a star. When they do something sweet without being prodded to do so, they get a heart. Earning three stars and/or hearts gets them a treat (fun snack, happy meal toy, etc.). Three checkmarks (for misbehavior) = time out.
Perhaps I ought to keep tabs on how many times a day I say "Just a minute", "Not right now", "Wait, honey", etc. and give myself checkmarks. Three checkmarks means I have to STOP whatever I am doing and spend an extended time just enjoying a tea party or playing Rescue Heroes.
Posted by: Mellie Helen | January 13, 2005 10:29 PM
Those "my mommy"s always get you!
Posted by: Little Island | January 14, 2005 12:15 PM