Rated PG-13
The weather was beautiful this morning, in the 40s and clear. I had a good amount of time, but managed to eat it all up getting the kids ready. As usual, I was left with 30 seconds to throw on some clothes, slick my hair into a ponytail and dart out the door.
I have yet to teach the Roomba to do laundry. It's a goal of mine, but in the meantime, I'm still in charge. I did six loads of laundry yesterday, but somehow failed to end up with a single clean bra. I'm just going for a walk, so I figure I'll grab one from the basket and go. Uh, no.
With my mad laundering skillz, I managed to put all of my bras in the same load, which was parked in a delicate soak cycle. I had to think fast. Rummaging through my drawers, I briefly pondered swimsuiting it. Nope. I spied a roll of masking tape on the shelf. Maybe? I doubted that the adhesive was sufficient to keep the girls where they belong. Ooh! Wait!
I located a tanktop with built in shelf bra. Throwing it on, and tightening the straps to the max, and tossing on a jacket, I headed for the door. It wasn't as supportive as I would prefer for a balls-out sprint (we were late to leave at this point) but I threw vanity to the wind and got the girl to school on time. I don't even want to know what odd mannerisms I have that caused the shoulder straps to fall to my elbows again and again. Thank goodness I had a jacket on, and that I'm not on a reality series, because the FCC would be fining me for pulling a Ms. Jackson (if you're nasty.)
About three blocks from home, a large crow swooped directly in front of the stroller, surprising me. I trotted right off the edge of the sidewalk, and was treated to a loud ripping noise as my right shoulder strap gave way. Um...
I made it about half a block before the other strap detached with a shuddering boi-oi-oi-ing. I did the only thing I could think of...I put my two hands right next to each other on the stroller bar and used my biceps to lift and compress my boobs while I hauled ass home.
Is it any wonder that I've had that Milkshake song stuck in my head?
Damn right, it's better than yours.
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Comments
If we all lived on a planet without gravity, this would not have been an issue.
Ergo: more funds for NASA. Now.
Hilariously put, as always!
Posted by: Carmi | February 1, 2005 11:19 AM
I've got Jerry Lee Lewis running through my head now...
Posted by: ben | February 1, 2005 1:14 PM
Bwahahhahahahhahaaaaaa!!!!! I am laughing so hard I'm about to pee my pants! OMG!
Girl, if I ONLY had the problem of needing to wear a bra, all would be right with my world. Shoooooot. I'm sportin' an A-cup at best, and they're DROOPY, thanks to nursing 2 kids. Oh well... still a hot mama. ;)
Love you! Mwah!
xo Ging
Posted by: Ging | February 1, 2005 1:44 PM
Hee heee hee!! What you need is some duct tape! Ever seen the Red Green show?
I told Hubby about the Roomba, and how badly I want one. Let's just say I might as well go vacuum, and (sigh) push the thing around, 'cause Roomba will not be showing up here anytime soon.
Posted by: Tammy | February 1, 2005 2:28 PM
Funny - I had Rick James in my head...
She's Supah Freekay - Yow!
Something tells me MC Hammer's version is more appropriate.....
Posted by: Lee | February 1, 2005 2:54 PM
Ha!!! Keep the beasts down girlfriend!
Posted by: Lindsey | February 1, 2005 3:07 PM
Oh why oh why did I not find you sooner? lol... thank heavens Mir had you linked I love your blog you are a true mom riot! ;)
Posted by: Rin | February 1, 2005 4:14 PM
LOL!! I am more like Ging. I went from a B to maybe an A after nursing 3 kids. I hate Victoria's Secret now. But, hey, I can go w/o a bra if I'm wearing a sweatshirt (and usually do!)
Posted by: buffi | February 1, 2005 9:28 PM
Tee hee.
In the privacy of my head, I keep thinking that I have the small breasted body I had as a college student and could go bra-less at least when wearing a sweatshirt. It's a good thing I own a million bras though, because these things I have while nursing each need a lot of support just to hang down to my waist. I can't imagine what the populous would think if I tried to go anywhere without a bra. What a scary thought.
Posted by: Jordana | February 2, 2005 10:37 AM
Haha .. I have to say, that has never happened to me before, thank god! I can't stand leaving the house without a bra, so it's lucky that I have not only two bra's, I also have a coupla sports bra's, and two shirts with builtin bra's heh. I will however, be checking those before putting em on in future lol
Posted by: Norti | February 2, 2005 9:21 PM
The movie of you that played in my head while I read that was soooooooo funny! Some how it put me in mind of that joke about Dolly Pardon jogging and her 2 black eyes :)
Posted by: Amber | February 3, 2005 6:11 AM