Behind The Scenes
Lest anyone think that my entire existence revolves around designer coffee...
I've been having a rough time this last week. It feels like someone has been replacing the oranges and apples in my giant hat-o-fruit with rocks. My back is aching and my head hurts.
The kids have all been sick this week, so it is possible that my discontent has been the result of my body fighting off another cold. Hormones (Yay! Love them!) could also be the culprit. I know that my oldest child's struggles to comply with the behavior expected by her Old Skool teacher have had my stomach in knots. I have some tough decisions ahead with that situation.
Whatever the reason, every time I sit down at the keyboard, fluff about PSLs come pouring out of my brain.
This tells me that I need to stop talking about re-establishing my yoga practice and just make the time and space in my life for it. I need that outlet.
I don't know why I didn't write about my six year old daughter mastering the art of riding a two-wheeler in one short minute. All it took was watching some other kids riding. My husband and I had each spent plenty of time running along side her as she wobbled uncertainly, refusing to balance on her own. When a neighbor kid challenged her to a race, she told me to stand back and just took off.
I guess she was ready.
I also don't know why I didn't mention that I accompanied my daughter's class on a field trip, and discovered that perhaps I am too scattered to be a good chaperone. I am a little bummed - I assumed that I would LOVE going, and in fact, the responsibility of keeping an eye on several children beyond my own (and I had my youngest with me, which compounded the scatterbrained syndrome) made the outing unenjoyable.
Was it tough because I am feeling burdened right now? Or am I feeling burdened because it WAS tough. The chicken or the egg?
When I snapped at my two-and-a-half year old yesterday, for being too aggressive in her affection, a little piece of my heart broke. I have to lose this tension and lack of perspective.
Part of the problem is that all three kids have been coming into our bed at night again. It is usually not until around 3 or 4 am. Nonetheless, it is a major disruption of my already troubled sleep. When we allow them to crawl under the blankets, they kick and fling their arms around. As a result, I 'sleep' with my body tensed against impacts and my torso is covered with bruises.
When we return them to their beds, they wake repeatedly and return, crying hysterically. I believe they are growing very rapidly right now, because they are constantly moving their arms and legs, trying to relieve the aches in their joints. It makes for a restless night, for all of us.
Enough! Enough, I say! I'm going to have to make major changes in our routines, once again. But first, I am going to pull my head out and notice the little wonderful moments. They force their way out of the mortar holding my life upright, persistent little green sprouts that add a living, decorative touch to the most staid of walls.
Comments
I understand about kids not sleeping, and the struggle of what to do at 3AM to get everyone back to sleep.
We instituted a rule when they were toddlers, and it's never changed. If they can't sleep in their own beds, they are welcome in our room, but not in our beds. They bring their pillows and blankets and camp out on the floor at the foot of the bed. There, they feel protected and safe, and I don't have elbows in my ears.
It works for us. Might be hard to change habits now that you've started under the covers at your house, but who knows.
Posted by: Nopoodle | September 25, 2005 10:25 AM
Some nights my children end up in my bed and I can be found sleeping somewhere else. Sometimes this is the best night's sleep I get: no children, no husband, just a lovely bed all to myself...
Posted by: Ella | September 25, 2005 1:26 PM
jenny, you really do notice the little sprouts and the roses amongst the thorns. you are actually quite superb at it. I'm sorry it was a funkified week---I promise next week will be tons better.
mwah!
Posted by: steph | September 25, 2005 1:47 PM
Oh, Jenny. You are living my life. Call me if you want.
Sending sleep your way.
ZZZzzzzzzzz...............
Posted by: Carmen | September 25, 2005 2:12 PM
You know, sometimes things are just hard for a while. And being sleep deprived doesn't help matters.
But I, for one, am glad you finally did share the story about your daughter and the two wheeler. I think there's an important lesson there. You can run next to them over and over again, and then one day (and there's no telling exactly when it will be) they'll just decide they're ready... and poof. Just like that, they're off.
Hang in there. And try to get some sleep.
Posted by: EverydaySuperGoddess | September 25, 2005 4:42 PM
I just had my first PSL and thought of you. And then I spent the walk back to my moms angry/frustrated bc my daughter had lost her sunglasses for the third time in so many months. I didn't even take her to the park bc I was just too annoyed and couldn't be bothered. Back at my moms, while unloading the strtoller, guess what I found? You betcha. I'm working on living in the present and not letting all the crap get me. It's not so very easy, huh? I feel you, girl. Maybe (despite my nursing status) you and I will have to get stupid drunk when I come to visit and bumble through the town singing Christmas carols and being idiots. Or maybe we can just talk. Whatever. The point is, I can't wait to meet you.
Posted by: Elaine | September 25, 2005 5:47 PM
We know your entire existence doesn't revolve around designer coffee, but it sure helps at times like this. Field trips are tough, because you get assigned to a group of kids who usually don't know you yet for whom you are completely responsible.
If you don't mind a teeny bit of advice, maybe a little dose of children's Motrin for the achy legs? And maybe a big dose for your achy back and head? I sure hope you and the kids feel better soon.
Posted by: Elizabeth | September 25, 2005 6:56 PM
Wow. You have been having a tough time.
That right there? Is why I'm so scared to have a second child. My child was doing the same thing this past week. And not sleeping sucks. And I can't imagine what I would do with three children. And where do you get all of the energy to take care of two, or three?
You NEED to get yourself about five of those pumpkin Spiced Lattes. And you need a nap. Sounds like you could drink all five and still nap afterwards. :-)
I thought of you today. We are supposed to meet our relator at STARBUCKS to sign contracts for new house! And I am going to try a Pumpkin Spiced Latte.
Hope this week is better. And congrats to your oldest on the milestone! Yeay her!
Posted by: Lisa B | September 26, 2005 9:07 AM
It seems to me that you are catching all these important moments.
You just don't have the time and solitude to REALIZE that you've caught them.
You are an amazing mother.
Now go to yoga. And get a PSL on the way home.
Posted by: Meghan | September 26, 2005 10:18 AM
Being mom & wonderwoman at the same time is a hard job...though you seem to do it well and with humor.
I barked at my 3 year old this morning for nothing more than being pokey about choosing her shoes...and once I had a second of solitude, my heart broke a little for being harsh when she was innocently doing her own thing. My point is...it happens to all of us. We all go through this stuff.
Take a deep breath, shut yourself in the bathroom if you need some time to yourself & start again.
Oh...I also wanted to thank you for keeping up with your blog. On morning like the one I had today, reading your blogs helps me realize that I'm just as human as the next guy.
Posted by: Nicole | September 26, 2005 12:13 PM
Well, you do a great job of hiding your angst. The posts about PSL were entertaining, but it goes without saying that there's more to your life than PSL. We know that.
In any case, I do empathize. Chicken and egg, vicious circle, whatever the metaphor - I've watched myself sink, feeling powerless to change it, until I force myself to focus on the good stuff. And sleeplessness is a killer - no matter how much good stuff there may be, it's so hard to enjoy it when you aren't rested.
Cheers to your new groove!
Posted by: Julie | September 26, 2005 1:46 PM