Fortunes For The Average
"You are going to have some new clothes."
This is what my fortune cookie told me after our take-out meal tonight. The simple statement was bracketed by two smiley faces.
On the back, there is a sentence in Chinese, probably the secret to endless health and wealth. I can't read Chinese, alas. I'll take comfort in the knowledge that some new clothes are in my future.
*crickets chirping*
What the hell kind of fortune is that? It's so mundane. You are going to grocery shop. You will need to fill up the tank on the van. You missed a spot with the vacuum.
Where's the promise of admiration from my peers? Where's the glimpse into my well-loved, wealthy, exotic-vacationing future?
Fortunes for the average. Glimpses of your regular old future, stuffed in a tasteless cookie and thrust at you with the bill.
(I couldn't let it be, so I broke open all the other cookies to see if this was a trend. Apparently, the other members of my family are indeed well-respected, and have ideas that will bring them joy and wealth and honor to the family name. Me? I've got some new clothes in my future. Awesome.)
Comments
Well, as long as those new clothes aren't matching outfits...
Posted by: buffi | December 16, 2005 10:45 PM
At this point, I'd love some new clothes in my very near future. I'm going shopping today, and I just know it will be futile. I'd kill someone, at this point, to have jeans that fit without exposing my underpants, and shirts that are long enough to cover my flabby belly.
Posted by: Carmen | December 17, 2005 2:52 AM
You never know. Those new clothes could be from Calvin Klein, Donna Karan, Karl Lagerfeld. Now, I don't know if those designers make jeans in addition to the dresses that they show in Paris, but for sure you'll have some fancy designer clothes to show off to folks who stop by the house. My guests would have to admire the clothes on hangers, cause those designers clothes won't fit anything bigger than a hanger ( have you SEEN the supermodels they have now?)
Posted by: Erin | December 17, 2005 7:29 AM
I'm so glad you got a bum fortune, it led to this post!
Posted by: Sour Duck | December 17, 2005 7:46 AM
I always thought they should just take lines of text from Engrish.com THAT would make my dining experience a very happy one.
Enjoy your new clothes. May they not be gym socks.
Posted by: Elaine | December 17, 2005 10:11 AM
Man, I've had some pedestrian fortunes before, but this one tops the list. HA!
Posted by: Anna | December 17, 2005 2:08 PM
You're way better than average in my book.
I know someone who used to write the lines for those cookies (us j-school kids took ANYTHING remotely resembling a writing job.)
He spent most of his time drunk. I don't give the whole fortune cookie thing much credence as a result. And the cookies themselves taste like sandpaper.
Posted by: Carmi | December 17, 2005 3:12 PM
Hey don't knock it! Maybe "What Not to Wear" will show up at your door and you'll get $5000 worth of free clothes, AND get to be on TV!!
And if you don't want the new clothes, you can just send them my way.
Posted by: Shanonn | December 17, 2005 7:34 PM
You know, it could be worse...it could have said "You're going to die." I mean, it is TRUE, but what a crappy fortune THAT would have been! lol ;-)
Posted by: turtlemama | December 19, 2005 12:38 PM
Seriously.. for a forture cookie, it should at least sound something like: "Your future appearance will greatly improve"
I got this fortune today... I thought the same thing, even went to my co-worker and showed him how bad it was.. and i kid you not - 10 minutes later he calls me over... he got the same fortune!!!
mine has numbers on the back and i think the cookie wants me to listen to some 311..
Posted by: Brian | July 12, 2007 11:58 AM