One Of Those Days
Go on. Click to get a feel for where this post is going. (This one goes out to a special little lady who KNOWS where I'm going.)
I lay in my bed last night alternately blowing my nose and swigging water to soothe my sore, dry throat. Not much sleep was had. This irritated me.
This morning, I woke up to rain. Again with the irritation.
Even now, I'm gingerly attempting to eat, as a result of burning the crap out of the roof of my mouth on a slice of too-hot pizza Sunday evening. Ow. And also, grrrr.
Oh, and don't even get me started on the whole bake-it-yourowndamnself pizza action. I've revealed my inability to cook a pizza in my oven without setting off the fire alarm. Sunday night was no different, except I was in a foul mood to begin with.
Midway through the cooking, the meh!ing of the detector started up. The kids were in various states of undress, and there was much flapping, laller lallering around the kitchen island, and random tush-smacking and armpit farting. Again, I have reason to fear that in the event of a real fire, we're so hosed.
Ahem.
So, I'm feeling a bit saggy and worn-out this morning. I have a lot to accomplish, and a short time to do it. This is why coffee is my friend.
I actually have a funny story to share about the man to whom I've pledged my eternal love etc.
For as long as I've known him, and really probably his whole life, the man has had an idea in his head that it is optimal to go poop only once a day, at the same time each day. To this end, he wakes, has coffee, often standing so as to 'preserve the line' and then proceeds to the bathroom with the sports section to worship at the altar of absolute and terrifying predictability.
Any alteration of this schedule causes much consternation. He once informed me that he doesn't like to eat salads for lunch, because they 'give him the urge' a few hours later, and then he is forced to either break ranks (!) or suffer until the next morning with a queasy stomach. (Ooooookay.)
Naturally, I laughed in his face with a giant Bah! Hoooo! Bwa ha ha ha ha! And then I made some comment about "the baby" knowing when "it's time" and then I laughed some more. Heeeeee! Seeing the devastated look on his face, I got myself halfway under control, and told him about the wonders of fiber, vegetables and a healthy digestive tract.
So, we're laying in bed. It's dark. He addresses the ceiling. "One of these days, I'm going to eat a salad for lunch."
"That's nice." I mumble, forgetting the whole debacle from a while back.
"Yeah, I'm going to eat a big dinner, maybe Chinese food the night before, and then I'll have a salad for lunch. Long about 3 o'clock, I'll be headed for the bathroom."
I sat up and snapped on the light. "Seriously? You're planning a menu for a future bowel movement, and scheduling it?"
"I'll have to go to lunch at 12, if I want to be in the bathroom at 3"
"Seriously? Seriously."
"People might know that I'm, you know. Maybe I should try it on a Saturday."
"Oh. My. Seriously? You are planning a dress rehersal for a bowel movement?"
"Well, just so I can get the timing right."
I lay back down and turned the light off. Oy.
"I figure it's the best way to know." He sighs and flopped over on his side. "Right?"
That's my man. He's a planner.
Comments
Crap (no pun intended) I did not know that commenting would cause me to lose that very timely, needed and uplifting rendition of one of the greatest songs ever. I love your husband's planning. It is fan#^$%tastic! I'm very interested in whether or not you have choreographed dance steps to LL Cool J? I just got up and did one hell of a dance to it...most fun I've had this week. I think I looked like Beyonce, I may have to get a web cam and post. Anyhoo thank you! My husband just lost his job for the 3rd time in as many years and I so needed that!!!!!! OMG, I commented for so long that I got the bonus of Eye of the Tiger too. I'm such an 80's girl.
Posted by: Mega Mom | January 31, 2006 7:11 AM
AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!! *wiping eyes*
I just... I mean... I....
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! *gasping*
I'll get back to you....
Posted by: Mir | January 31, 2006 8:10 AM
Seriously? There is planning... and then there is OVER-Planning....Here's the thing that makes me jealous....while he's sitting in there on the pot every morning taking his time, what are you doing with the kids? Do you get to trade and sit around somewhere reading as part of your morning schedule???? Because I can really see the bonus side to this OVER-Planning thing if it means 15 minutes of uninterrupted *me* time in the morning.
Posted by: wendy | January 31, 2006 9:05 AM
LMAO........ that song is perfect..... I am going to have to blast it at my house too. that is exactly how I have been feeling these days too!!
Posted by: Lise | January 31, 2006 9:29 AM
Meanwhile, I'm married to Sir Shitsalot who can be counted on to be on the pot any time he's needed... for anything. Serioulsy? Seriously.
At least he won't die of Colon Cancer...
Sigh
Posted by: Elaine | January 31, 2006 9:35 AM
Your dh's routine is well worth making fun of, errrr, I mean blogging about. Yeah, that's what I meant.
Posted by: Stephanie C. | January 31, 2006 10:35 AM
Why are men like this? my husband can't poop at work, so he must grace my bathroom with the stench of 24 hours of held in poo.
Posted by: Candice | January 31, 2006 10:49 AM
I've never heard that song in my entire life. You people are odd.
BUT THE BM STORY! That I can address.
Being bewitched by the horrors of colitis and diverticulitis, I envy your man his planning ability. I'm always one step away from using a public toilet, so the ability to say "I will poop at 3" and plan my day accordingly would be HEAVEN. He's my hero.
Posted by: Candy | January 31, 2006 11:12 AM
That's just so...Man...isn't it? He's going to end up constipated from the stress of it all. HA!
Bumher (that's my new version of Bummer, stolen from the very idea of Blogher. Bumher is when something sucks ass and happens to a female specimen.) sucks to be sick! But, thanks for the tunes.
Posted by: Lisa | January 31, 2006 1:43 PM
OMG...that was so funny. What a great post! My husband will NOT poop in a public bathroom. He will seriously GO HOME to poop and make us all leave early from whatever event it is that we are attending. Yep. The only time he poops in a public toilet is at camping. Then, he doesn't have a choice.
Posted by: baseballmom | January 31, 2006 4:46 PM
OMFG, you are killing me here. I'm LMAO and the tune fits soooooooo damn well! Whatever I do I can't let my husband read this. He spends all his time complaining to me that whenever he gets ready to work out that is when he has to go. If he gets wind of a way to schedule it, I'm done for!!!!
Posted by: Debby | January 31, 2006 7:20 PM
bwhahahahahaha.....CRYING.... LAUGHING.....wetting my pants....ohhhhhhh the visual of the visual that I had before when you sang this for me before...
Needed that laugh. NEEDED to remember!
Must.
Breathe.
Posted by: Jenn | January 31, 2006 8:04 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hope he gave you permissin to post that. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Posted by: meghan | February 1, 2006 6:30 AM
The very definition of Anal Retention!!!
Posted by: Melanie Lynne Hauser | February 1, 2006 8:12 AM
We're dealing with BM issues in our house as well. Any details would be TMI. Just so you know, I've had a crush on LL Cool J since I was 13. Appropriate song, too!
Posted by: Erin | February 1, 2006 10:25 AM
OMG, that is hilarious!
My DH is one to save up his BM until he gets home from work, then disappears to the bathroom for ages, just when I want him to help with supper. A very "regular" annoyance! Don't know what's wrong with the many bathroom choices at work, too public I suppose. Is this a guy thing?
Posted by: SheilaC | February 1, 2006 12:23 PM
Ha ha ha!! OMG! So hilarious!
DH's former coworker had irritable bowel syndrome, and apparently had an insane obsession with all things poop- and fart-related. Which, after a while, would be the stories DH would treat me to when I got home. Not enough that as part of the marriage contract I get treated to tales of, "OMG, I thought it was going to require two flushes!" from him, but now I've got to hear all about some /other/ guy's poop stories?! I pointed out that guy had a wife of his own who was the /proper/ recipient of all these tales.
Posted by: Thorny | February 3, 2006 8:17 PM
Holy crap!
Is it possible that our hubs were separated at birth? Mine is on a morning schedule - and everything we do for the day is built around it. I don't get it, but have learned to deal with it.
How did you get that one song in your post? I've been trying to figure out how to do somthing similar.
Posted by: Andie D. | February 6, 2006 10:29 AM