The Blubberers, The Screamers, And Me
So, today was the dress rehersal for my kids' "Winter Sharing" program put on by the Orff classes. My son, as I've mentioned is having a wee little problem acting human and sane.
When I picked him up from school, he was already in a fine state. School, it seems, is a bother. Lunch? Also a bother. Walking without swinging his backpack into fellow pedestrians? So lame. Eyerolling and huffing-worthy.
Tra la la laaaaaa!
With all three kids (and the stroller, too!) loaded in the van, we headed home for a snack before music.
That was mostly fine, except for when there were dinosaur "fruit" snacks and he is the dinosaur expert, and therefore all things dino belong to his dinohighness, and not "da gulls."
Lo, there was screaming. There was honest to goodness rending of garments. There was mending of said garments as well. No one was happy. Where I said before that it was mostly fine? I was lying.
The dog chose this moment to dig under the fence and bark at the UPS truck. I grabbed the hapless hound by her collar and tossed her into the garage to languish in canine agony until our return. Then I seized the kids by their collars and tossed them into the van.
I kid. But that would have been awesome!
So, no. I was like a shepherding dog. Bark bark barking along one flank, circling behind the pack, growing and snapping as one of my flock wandered toward the swingset. Finally, I got them sheep in the van, and fired up the engine.
We arrived at the lesson, and I was instructed to help the children don their costumes. Holding my squirming toddler in one arm, I pulled peasant shirts and felt vests over the heads of my children, and helped my daughter step into a full skirt. My three-year-old started screeching MEEEEE DOOOOOOO MEEEEEEE!
At that point, I plastered on my smile and stopped making eye contact with the other parents. I also started talking in my fake-good-mother voice, the "voice of reason and calm, serene parenting professionalism." I love this voice. It is so far removed from what I am feeling (and my kids KNOW that) that it's a wonder we don't all start laughing about it. Oh, that's right. They are too busy causing me to have to resort to "the voice."
So I'm all "tra la la I hear that you are filled with rage about not getting to hit your sister with a mallet. We must be kind. Oh, no, oh dear. Oh, we don't lay on the floor and kick the bench with our feet. Oh my." And then I reach the end of THAT tether, and strip my son of his costume and march his howling, limp ass to the van, with my three year old refusing to hold on, preferring to spend her considerable strength on screeching. "Oh, I hear that you are angry! I see that you don't want to participate in the recital! I see that all these other parents who have the gall to be knitting peacefully while their children sit silently and patiently beside them are not fooled by the voice, and I suspect that they have a pool going to see when I'm going to finally snap, and which child I'm going to send aloft, with the distance being the tie-breaker."
I wrestled the alligators back into their car seats and glowered. The heavens opened and the rain started. I had one hour to kill until my oldest child would be released from rehersal.
Right in front of the van, a rainbow shot across the sky. My son broke from his howling to say "oooooh!" Then he started up again.
"Let's find the end of the rainbow!" I shouted over the crying. I started driving. Gradually, the kids stopped the active wailing, and began helping me spot the rainbow through their sniffling. We drove down country roads, admiring the lush green of the farms and trying to find the end of the rainbow.
We drove for forty-five minutes before both kids were sound asleep, tears drying on their cheeks like the raindrops on the windows. We never got close to the 'end' of the rainbow, of course. The very idea of actually getting there was folly. In the silence of the van, I turned back toward the class, arriving with a few minutes to spare. I rested my eyes and waited for the burst of children to come out of the door.
Behind my closed eyes, I kept seeing that damn rainbow, and hearing Kermit the Frog. Someday we'll find it, The Rainbow Connection...but not today. I let the kids sleep, and grabbed my daughter as she came out. The rain clouds had moved back in, and the sun slid behind, erasing the rainbow from the sky. Ah well. The sound of the rain on the roof was soothing on the drive home, as were the sounds made by my snoring children.
Fairy houses, chasing rainbows...what's next at Three Kid Circus? Unicorns? Mermaids?
Comments
Oh man, I hate those moments. And unfortunately, I still sometimes forget we're in public and whip out a Ooooh I'm A Bad Mother "Dammit" along the way.
But the real reason I'm commenting is because my hubby and I used "Rainbow Connection" as our first dance song at our wedding. So whenever I see it helping someone else through their day... I get this little bit of "Awwww" going on.
Posted by: Thorny | January 19, 2006 6:05 AM
Oh, I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one with a fake good-mother voice. How come it comes so naturally when there's another person around, but is so far, far away when it's just me and the kids?
Posted by: noell | January 19, 2006 7:07 AM
I'm so good at the 'fake mother voice' in public, especially at church! :) I even fool my own daughters from time to time. I can see their little minds at work: Mommy HAS to be nice to us, 'cuz we're at church. What can we actually get away with before she's willing to risk crushing the illusion?
That's why I'm so glad there are soundproof private bathrooms...
Posted by: Erin | January 19, 2006 7:12 AM
Oh yes. Stepford mom voice. I always think of Miss Manners' advice on dealing w/someone else's kid that's messing with your stuff. "Oh dear, Hunter, you should set that down, I wouldn't want you to. get. hurt." with JUST enough sinister edge to suggest you might do the hurting.
And, in another "me-too" moment, once when I'd left Julianna's Kindermusik class in an angry huff with a screaming writhing Ben, we emerged from the church to find a double full-arc rainbow.
Posted by: Deana | January 19, 2006 8:21 AM
If I use the Fake Mother voice, I don't do it consciously, because I can't even remember what I sound like when I use it. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with public tantrums. The most effective solution seems to be not going out in public very often, but that won't be an option once the oldest starts school. In the meantime, I mostly have to use whispered threats of spankings or simply leaving early. We have a birthday party to attend this weekend, so I'll see if either of those becomes necessary.
Posted by: Sleepless Mama | January 19, 2006 9:09 AM
ok reading your blog makes me feel so "normal" you have no idea!!!! sometimes I feel my kids are the only ones that have major meltdowns and not always in the privacy of our own home!!!
LOl at your serene calm voice!! I use that one too but usually with my teeth glenched!
Posted by: Lise | January 19, 2006 9:43 AM
Those other parents may be taking a poll as to when you're going to snap - but what they're realling thinking is - so glad that isn't me - and remember the day (yesterday, a few hours ago...) that it was!!! We've all been there - but I doubt many can tell the story as well as you.
So nice to hear from other Moms of 3;)
Posted by: Maria | January 19, 2006 12:34 PM
Oh thank you so much for your post. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking that I am the only one with children who act like wild animals. It just makes me feel so much better when I know that we all have our moments.
I know that fake good mommy voice very well. Usually I am speaking unknown words and thinking in my head how on earth can I get out of here and would I get arrested if I just left them in the store and went home.
Hang in there - my oldest son (7) sounds alot like your son and I am just hoping and waiting for him to act 7 instead of like a 2 year old.
Bye :) from a mom who just joined the ranks of having 3. yikes!
p.s. where I live 3 is a small number of kids to have so when I have these Mom's with 4+ kids in tow looking at me like why on earth can't you handle two (since I am not yet brave enough to venture out with all 3.)
Posted by: mama_bean | January 19, 2006 1:03 PM
Oh THAT voice...yeah, I use it every Tuesday night at basketball practice while my son (age 3.5) either sits on the floor, decides he wants to yell at me or tries running out the gym for the first 10 minutes of every practice. yeah, I'm in touch with that voice!:)
But you, you are da bomb. Taking the kids on the search for the end of the rainbow? GENIUS! Me? I probably would have stuck in a favorite movie and tuned it all out. Course, mine don't sleep much in the car anymore...and they're younger than yours!:)
Circus mom...you're awesome!:)
Posted by: gigem | January 19, 2006 1:29 PM
I'm not sure I've perfected the Mommy Voice, but I know I have the "I'm so sorry you are all witnessing this. No worries, I'm going to kill him/her once I get outside" look down pat...people often watch me go just to make sure there are some sort of witnesses to my violence. It is also in those moments that solitary confinement in some jail where someone brings you everything doesn't look so bad, which, I'll admit, is a dangerous combination.
Posted by: wendy | January 20, 2006 8:15 AM
I'd say the other parents understand and are both quietly commiserating with you and celebrating that it isn't their kid this time. But what about the childless ones?
Night before last we were in Sears getting formal shoes for the 15 year old when the 2 yr old ran away from me twice! So I carried him against is protest...and protest he did while I continued to calmly help the teen pick out shoes (found $40 shoes for $10!). The college-aged cashier looked ever so thankful when we finally left.
By the way, you are an evil, evil woman! Three CDL's within 3 days in a row!!! And I have never been a coffee drinker! (By the way, anyone know if the Carmel Macchiato is any good? That might be next on my list to try.) Evil I say!!!
Posted by: cary | January 20, 2006 11:04 AM
Thanks for sharing. I always enjoy your blog but this enty..."it had me laughing, it had me crying." From my own three kid circus I can really relate. If I were witness to this scene I would be recalling my own similar times and thanking God it wasn't my kid this time.
Posted by: Carol | January 20, 2006 3:29 PM
Oh how I remember the day my Cuddlebug (who is now 7) threw a world class tantrum in a Sears in Las Vegas and her mum just stepped over her and went about looking for shoes for her older 2. At the time, I hadn't been around the kids long enough to get it but that was an epiphany for me 'cause I know SisterN is not a bad mum. I sat there awkwardly wondering what to do. 6 years later I have a better appreciation for what moms go through and am in awe that they aren't more children left on the curb by frustrated parents.
Posted by: Stephanie A. | January 30, 2006 10:29 PM