Culinary Fireworks and Other Explosions
I'm doing my best to stay on top of the housework, and stay off the computer. I'm becoming painfully, painfully aware that keeping a tidy house is, like, hard work. This is not to say that I haven't had a tidy house before. I have. I've even maintained the tidy for weeks at a time.
That was before the internet was a big part of my life.
So, as it stands, I'm staying off the computer during the day. In fact, this isn't me on the computer right now. No, it is some other person. *cough*
I mean, okay. It's not all that hard of work, except that my husband and I are the fatal combination of lazy and messy and apparently we've passed that fantastic example onto the kids. Slobberiffic!
So, yeah. I'm wiping down counters and sweeping the floor and decide to dust the light fixtures, and lo! There is a single crescent of orange macaroni on the ceiling. On the 10-foot high ceiling. How? Why? I must have missed that food fight, but it looks like it was a good'un.
I have also renewed my love affair with my roomba... who cares if it takes a hour to clean the kitchen floor? I don't have to do it, and it doesn't talk back! If it could talk, I betcha it would be cussing, tired of vacuuming up dog hair and crumbs. Thank goodness home robotic technology isn't quite there, yet.
I had to take my youngest with me to help out in my son's class today, and it damn near killed me. She is going through a finicky stage, where she is reduced to tears should I wear a blue shirt, or slice an apple, or really just breathe. Yes, breathing is bad, and she must cry about it. Loudly.
So I took her to a room full of five-year-olds and gave her a nice container of blocks, which she played with for about four minutes, before rampaging around the room, terrorizing all the kids and laller laller lallering like a champ.
(This is an aside, but I've really had to come to terms with the fact that as much as I like to claim that I'm a calm, rational person, the kids got the whole laller laller laller thing from me. The incessant talking, as well. And the show and tell impulse. You should see me competing with my kids for my parents' attention. Look at me! Look at me! Bah.)
So anyway, she was being horrific, and I muddled through the project as best as I could. About five minutes before the end, she lost it. Lost. It.
The force of her scream caused the windows to explode. The carpet caught fire. My head melted. The End.
Gritting my teeth, I grabbed her flailing body around the middle and struggled to the stroller. She was comically dressed in a one-piece, hooded fleece suit in pumpkin orange and it looked for the world like I was kidnapping a really pissed off oompa-loompa. Without a word or a look at anyone, I buckled her into the stroller, with the help of a knee in her chest, and then I ran out the door.
When I got to the car, I strapped her into the carseat without a word. She continued to scream and tear at my hair and pinch me (ow, that freaking hurts) and I held her hands and said "no hurting." She reached down deep (I guess) and released a howl two inches from my nose that was straight from the pits of Hell. I blinked twice, and closed the door. I drove around the block a few times, but she wouldn't stop screaming.
Back at home, I lifted her from her carseat, and watched as she collapsed onto the walkway. More screaming. I brought her inside. More screaming. More collapsing. I made a cup of coffee and switched the laundry.
Finally, almost a full hour after she started screaming, she just stopped. She was done, and I was deaf, but grateful that the fury was over. I still haven't figured out what she was on about. She peeled apart her peanut butter and jelly sandwich, ate one slice of apple and poured her lemonade on her plate before passing out asleep in her booster chair.
Comments
And yet when they sleep the devil spawn we gave birth to revert to the angelic state in which they entered the world. I think it was God's idea, just to keep us from wringing their necks while they are most vulnerable.
Posted by: Erin (erin-erin-bo-berin) | March 7, 2006 1:39 PM
I've stopped by a few times... like your style. I share your personal challenge with keeping things tidy. Keep it up. Sorry about the hour-long tantrum with the lil' one. Eck. :)
Posted by: Diane | March 7, 2006 2:33 PM
Wow. WOW. I am so scared of that. Lily has yet to display such rage, for her it's all about the sadness... the horrible, gut wrenching sadness that consumes her and causes her face to melt to somewhere around her feet while she fake sobs.
Kids are freaks.
PS I keep having to fill in my name and stuff, despite checking the "Remember personal info?" box. Weee!
Posted by: Elaine | March 7, 2006 3:25 PM
What a wonderful voice you have! You've captured those moments so well. I've had my share with 3 little energizer bunnies of my own. Look forward to reading more from you!
Thanks!
PS: I've just started blogging so I don't have much to read yet...
Posted by: Lisa | March 7, 2006 6:22 PM
"a really pissed off oompa-loompah"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
Posted by: Debby | March 7, 2006 6:25 PM
Wow. You are a mom after my own heart. I would've responded to a tantrum in the exact same way. Just remember, "This too shall pass." At least until she's about, um. 13.
Posted by: Lucinda | March 7, 2006 6:55 PM
I do NOT miss those days, but I swear you just described my now 15 year old.
She still has the tantrums. But now, they include words describing just how much she hates her hair, her clothes, her very life, and oh yes, me.
Posted by: Candy | March 7, 2006 7:24 PM
Ahhh, so THAT'S where Eden's soul sister is!
Posted by: Mom Nancy | March 7, 2006 7:24 PM
Oh, I'm sorry for the horrible tantrum. But laughing hard at your description, which is both vivid and hilarious.
Why is it that they can be suddenly over the tantrum like nothing ever happened, but leave us moms quaking and shattered and edgy for the rest of the day?
Way to go on the spring cleaning. Our place is out of control, and my parents come for a visit in just 2 weeks. Eeek! Wish I had a BIG roomba that would do the whole house, especially all the papers in my office...
Posted by: SheilaC | March 7, 2006 8:38 PM
Oh I related to the screaming kid part so so much. BabyG does that all the time. But usually at her age I can find no reason for it at all. I mean the smallest things will set her off on one of these tantrums and its heartbreaking but also makes me want to detach her vocal cords from her throat. Sorry, that was a bit morbid.
Posted by: Lisa | March 7, 2006 10:17 PM
Sounds too dang familiar! My 4-yr old sometimes just has to "let it all out", be it by screaming, or just blowing really big raspberries at inappropriate times. Or spitting, or whatever. Funny little things, they are! Gimme strength.
Posted by: baseballmom | March 7, 2006 11:37 PM
I'm so there with you with my Terrorific. With your story I'm reminded of the Wisdom of my Sister (who has 4 kids who are older than mine). One day when the kids moods were more than she could handle, she decided to pack them all into the car to go somewhere, ANYWHERE! She got them all dressed, out the door and buckled into the car. She closed the rear door and then she heard it. Silence. It took many minutes and a lot of energy to open her door because to hear her tell it, she could have stayed there all day with her on the outside and them on the inside.
Posted by: Mega Mom | March 8, 2006 5:09 AM
She's not done, you just can't hear her anymore.
Posted by: Carol | March 8, 2006 9:25 AM
It's something in the air. My 3 yr old is doing the same thing -- for about a month now. I don't know how many times I have come so close to just wrapping him in duct tape and saran wrap and putting a sign on him that says "FREE" and sitting him on the curb.
Love the Ooompa Loompa reference. Such a great mental picture!! :)
Posted by: wendy | March 8, 2006 10:06 AM
I too can admit to being a laller, laller, lallerer. And an incessant talker and show & teller, too. Isn't that why we blog? Since we don't have a classroom full of friends to entertain with our witty repartee, we say it with sass on our blogs.
Posted by: VenturaMom | March 8, 2006 10:07 AM
Oh my, I have SO done the knee in the chest thing to get the darn kid to sit still long enough to be buckled in. I'm relieved to hear that I'm not alone in my struggles.
I hope you laced that cup of coffee with a shot or two of some Jim or Jack or Maker's Mark. Heck, Bailey's, even.
Posted by: Mary | March 8, 2006 7:19 PM
Right there with ya on the tidy house thing. I can't seem to pull myself from the spell of the internet and blog world.
I'm also a survivor/veteran of the whole crazy-for-no-apparent-reason child who threw tantrums like that for up to two hours at a time. Satan surely lived in her body during that time. But, just as quickly as this behaviour came on, which started THE DAY she turned one and lasted for two years, it stopped THE DAY she started preschool.
Hopefully this is a one time event for you.
God help us all!
Posted by: Kristi | March 9, 2006 10:49 AM
BAHAHAHAHA! Welcome to my world...
Posted by: Angie | March 11, 2006 6:34 AM
thank you so much. i really needed this laugh about the ooompa loopma. i've just endured yet another hysterical screaming tantrum and it really made me remember many parents experience these. sometimes it feels like you are alone in the madness.. ;) good luck to you and your family.
dee
Posted by: lillith | August 4, 2006 12:40 PM