Well, Color Me Green And Rip Off My Shirt
Today was one of those days were I seemed to be moving very fast, and accomplishing little. Kids were dropped at school, the little one went to preschool, I spent a lot of time talking on the telephone to assorted people, and had conversations that were mentally taxing.
Why do I need to use my brain? Why?
I'd like to brag about the great workout I meant to do - but didn't.
I'd like to boast about the great meal I cooked for dinner - *cough, cough hamburger helper cough*
I'd like to claim my kids were peaceful and helpful - um, no.
They did go to bed early, thanks to the time change and general naughtiness.
Oh, yes, and my youngest, the almost-five-year-old who wears a size 3T took off like a shot for the parked van, and instead of waiting by the side door on the curb, decided to run into the busy street.
That is the second time I've watched from a helpless distance while that same child has been almost run down by an SUV. The first time, I shook like a leaf for 30 minutes and almost vomited.
This time, my adrenaline took on the Wonder Twin power of pure rage. By the time I had ranted myself out, my daughter was in hysterical tears. I was literally in her face, my hands in her armpits, snarling and spitting as I shared how hearing squealing tires and seeing her peanut head inches from a bumper a second time made me feel. Not a crowning moment of good parenting, but frankly, once was enough. Twice? I'm aging rapidly over here. And that kid of mine is going to be wearing a freaking choke chain from now on.
The other two kids sat in silence. Probably the only smart decision they made this afternoon. See Early Bedtime, above.
I'm still angry thinking about it. How could she? She knows better than to run into the street. I shouldn't have to have my hands on her at all times. She should be able to stay at my side. In fact, she should be willing.
CAN SHE NOT SEE THE GRAY HAIRS THAT ARE SPROUTING OUT OF MY HEAD?
And I know that this anger comes from fear - that deepest fear. The one we don't ever give voice to. The one that begins when that tiny baby is placed in your arms for the first time, and you realize that it is up to you to keep this kid alive and well.
As the years pass by, I keep thinking, well, we survived the really fragile years. And then my kid runs into the street, and I find myself choking down bile and screaming incoherently into the face of my precious child who just won't understand that her safekeeping is my sacred duty, and she's making things harder than they have to be.
I'm done for today. Stick a fork in me.
Comments
That is truly a terrifying feeling -- one that our kids will not understand until they have children of their own. I'm glad your baby is okay, and more glad that you survived it too! I hope the rest of the week goes more smoothly (and happily) for you all!
Posted by: JenniferB | November 6, 2007 6:21 AM
When I was four years old, I choked on an ice cube. I never understood why my mother yelled and spanked me for it . . . until I had kids of my own. When my son was three, he took off in a busy parking lot and, much like your experience, I watched helplessly as he shot out right in the path of an SUV. Fortunately, the vehicle was going slow enough to be able to stop in time. I don't know who was more afraid, me or the guy behind the wheel.
In any event, I know exactly how you feel.
(and I yelled. BIG TIME)
Posted by: Melissa Garrett | November 6, 2007 7:33 AM
So been there. And yes, I'd like to think that our ranting and raving make a BIG enough impression that it won't happen again.
Of course, I'm still shocked that when Mark got us thisclose to death in the car and I loudly proclaimed "F*CK!" that neither of my children have picked up that word. It's like they knew that any more stress at that moment could kill them all.
Posted by: Elaine | November 6, 2007 7:43 AM
I think that is my greatest fear, something happening to my child while I am responsible for his or her care.
They don't understand that fear...or the concept of death. And that is just as scary.
I'm glad that you got to rant instead of the alternative.
Posted by: Heather | November 6, 2007 8:35 AM
You sooooooo deserved the "hamburger helper/early to bed" day.
I didn't have anything horrible like that happen and still had a "hamburger helper/early to bed" day.
Posted by: Kimmie | November 6, 2007 11:00 AM
Better start stocking up on your prescriptions now for when they start to drive. You can stay home and do Xanax, Valium maybe, ... ?
Unfortunately, we never stop being afraid.
Posted by: BetteJo | November 6, 2007 12:22 PM
It's a conspiracy. Really. All little kids have banned together and decided to make us moms CRAZY! Mine is afraid of nothing. He thinks he should 'mow' in the middle of the street with his bubble mower; soon as he sees me coming, he takes off running in the OPPOSITE direction, of course. It's no wonder I keep pulling gray hairs out! Ah the joys of motherhood.
I totally relate. I watch my little angel sleep at night thinking to myself, thank GOD we made it through another day. I'd jump in front of a bus for that kid, I tell ya.
Posted by: Nickie | November 6, 2007 1:41 PM
I so get this whole scene, including (especially) the screaming and ranting. My son, almost three, has done this in a parking lot. He really doesn't seem to hear when I call him, when I tell him to wait, when I scream his name. Off he goes! Being a mom is the most terrifying thing. You find out you're pregnant, and think if I can just make it past three months, then, if I can just get through the delivery with a safe healthy baby. Then you worry about SIDS, then running out into the street. I talked to my grandmother who still worries about my 56-year-old mother. We never get to stop! The most precious thing in our life will always be out of our control, and we just have to live with it. No wonder we scream and rant!
Posted by: Laura West | November 7, 2007 7:04 AM
Wow, I'm in shock right now. Not only over your second close call with an SUV, but over the fact that your daughter, the one who is five years old, wears a 3T and is giving you grey hair? I'm raising her twin. Her name is Kylie. She is also the youngest of three. I always thought this kid should have a tagline, and it would be "Giving Good Kids Bad Ideas since 2002." Lord help us both.
Posted by: Shelley | November 7, 2007 5:20 PM
OMG -- both of my kids have been positively CRAZY in parking lots lately. My proud moment was when I told them that they were acting stupid. Goodness, I'd better start saving for their therapy now. But they're like monkeys! Jumping up and down and pulling on my arms in a desperate attempt to get themselves run over by a senior citizen in a big car!
I'm keeping Loreal hair dye in business, that's for sure.
Posted by: Mary Tsao | November 7, 2007 7:45 PM
this is why is still sometimes make my 7 year old hold my hand in parking lots and the like. if i thought there was any chance the 12 year old would go for it, i'd make him do it too.
there are times when i feel that welded to my body is not close enough to keep them safe.
Posted by: Becca | November 9, 2007 3:45 PM