On The Verge
Summer Vacation begins tomorrow at 12:10 pm.
Looking back, I can't believe the year is gone already. I mean, it isn't like I was particularly engaged this year, what with the return to work and all. But still - I feel like I was a lousy parent-of-an-elementary-school-kid this year, and I've got guilt about how I could have been better. How I should have volunteered or sent goodies for the parties or corrected homework (or hell, made my kids do their homework) or something. I should have done something to participate.
Today, my daughter's class had a picnic in the park. When I finally detangled myself from my computer and the phone and got my five-year-old dressed and a snack packed, we arrived as the picnic was winding down. My daughter sprinted across the park and met up with me, worry in her eyes and a small frown on her face.
"Mom, the party started a hour ago! You said you'd be here. Why weren't you here?"
I gave her a kiss and a hug and died a little bit.
"I got stuck on the phone, and when I looked up, I was late. I'm sorry honey, I'm so sorry."
She shrugged and grabbed her sister's hand. "It's okay, Mama. You're here now." As they ran off together to play, I sniffled a bit and pulled myself together. A fellow mom handed me a cupcake-in-a-cone.
I know I can't be everywhere at once, and I can't be everything to everybody, and that lots of parents work and lots of parents don't volunteer and lots of parents are late to the party. I just never thought I'd be that parent. If you would have asked me five years ago, I would have told you all about how involved I was going to be, how I would enrich and encourage, how I would Be There.
And today, I could have Been There. And I was. But I was late, well past the point when I would have earned good mom credit. It pains me just thinking about it.
My daughter slipped her arms around me at the sink tonight and laying her firm cheek against my arm, she said "I'm so happy you made it in time to see me play dodge ball, Mama."
The guilt came swimming back to the surface and I blurted "I can't believe I missed the whole picnic!"
My girl said "Yeah, well, what were you gonna do? Watch me chew? I liked seeing you there while I played kickball."
I wish I could go back and redo so many of these chances for me to Be There for all three of my kids. But maybe, just maybe, I need to focus on Being Here Now for them instead.
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Comments
All mommies are late sometimes, even when we think we should have made it on time. Your daughter loves you and you were there for the part that was important to her.
What a sweetheart to say those things to make you feel better, and it's because you're a good mom that she has that personality. And NOW you have ALL SUMMER to Be There for her!
Posted by: RubiaLala | May 28, 2008 9:15 PM
Motherly guilt. It's a huge waste of our energy, but there's no escaping it.
Posted by: Vered | May 28, 2008 9:25 PM
Thank you! I was just flaying myself with the typical homeschooling mother end-of-year guilt - the projects we hadn't done, the workbooks we hadn't finished, the foreign languages we hadn't learned. It's good to know that the "other side" feels guilty, too!
Misery loves company, you know?
Posted by: suburbancorrespondent | May 28, 2008 9:25 PM
Ouch. That stinks. I think the disappointment is more in ourselves than from our kids though.
Posted by: Heather | May 29, 2008 6:10 AM
Sounds like you've got an awesome daughter. She understands you being busy. But she knows that you are trying your best to be there. I hope you have a wonderful summer with your kiddos...lots of time to just "be" together.
Posted by: Grace | May 29, 2008 7:02 AM
:( This isn't the beginning of a breakup letter, is it?
I love her response "Were ya gonna watch me chew?". That's really cute!!!
Posted by: Danielle | May 29, 2008 10:56 AM
and then there was the time i FORGOT about the in-n-out burger volunteer lunch. my son pulled that one out of his arsenal at every opportunity.
then i reminded him that it was for the VOLUNTEER lunch. which meant i had volunteered in his classroom.
AND, if that was the worst thing i ever did to him as a parent, he was one lucky boy.
he never brought it up again ;-)
Posted by: the planet of janet | May 29, 2008 12:00 PM
I've read this twice now and both times it has made me tear up. I totally feel this, Jenny. Great post.
Posted by: Kimberly | May 31, 2008 6:00 PM
I wasn't there for my 14 year old son last night, my husband and I got into a rare fight, and I left the house and did not return until an hour after my son's bedtime, and he was up waiting for me with tears in his eyes, I was angry at my husband for letting him stay up and worry, but more so disgusted with myself for not calling, for not being home where I belonged, and for being so selfish. "BEING HERE NOW FOR THEM" helps me today, I will concentrate on being a good mom today, and just maybe that will make up for some of the hurt and worry he felt last night. thank you.
Posted by: Reina | June 2, 2008 7:32 AM
Ditto. Great post. Am a regular reader, but been away from my Google reader for a few days. Found this one via the Perfect Post awards. Congrats!
We've all been there, done that. Sounds like your daughter has forgiven you. Now maybe you should forgive yourself.
Posted by: Amy@UWM | June 2, 2008 6:54 PM