I haven't written all that much about my ongoing saga to figure out what the heck is going on with my health. My doctor started me on thyroid pills - well, pill. Once a day. And so far so good with that. He also suspected I might have sleep apnea - and after spending a particularly amusing night in bed with a shoebox sized contraption velcroed to my left arm, with two little probe things on my fingers, it was decided that yes, I did have obstructive sleep apnea.

This was back in July. Fast forward to September, when Kaiser had scheduled me for my "sleep class." I love how everything at Kaiser has a class (or a series of classes.) The purpose of this class was to learn about apnea, to see my test results and to borrow a diagnostic CPAP machine for a week, to figure out if that would fix my breathing issues.

I woke the morning of the appointment with some pretty major intestinal distress and you can read all about my adventures with THAT - if you have a strong stomach and a morbid curiosity - over at Small Slice.

Anyway, I sat (periodically) in a room with a bunch of people that had at least 20-30 years on me, most of them accompanied by spouses who nodded grimly at descriptions of twitching limbs, loud snores and gasping breaths. One lady kept poking her husband and saying "SEE!" in a vicious tone.

Finally, we got to the test results. Of course, I was in the bathroom again. So I missed that part initially, but I got back in time to try on a CPAP mask in a room full of strangers. HA! Ha ha ha!

Oh, you've never seen a CPAP mask? Well - let me share: Nasal Mask

See how that sucker straps around your head and then around the sides of your face, and it looks like an elephant nose? I knew it was going to be a comedy hit with the family at home. I also had no idea how the hell I was going to sleep in that thing, but after they finally showed me my report, I decided it was worth it.

I apparently stop breathing for 10 seconds or more at a shot, every other minute, pretty much all night long. I guess that makes your blood oxygen drop, and your body has a little panicky fight or flight type reaction and then you shoot awake, gasping for air. So, like, I do that all night long, and every time I do it, I generally look at the clock, which lends the impression that I'm not getting any sleep.

Oh, I'm sleeping alright. I'm just not breathing very well. Stupid collapsing airway.

So, there I am, flailing and snoring and gasping and kicking and flopping around and my husband says nothing. For however long this has been going on, he has just accepted that sharing a bed with me means lots of noisy action all night long. Aw yeah.

So, the first night, I was sick as a dog with my stomach issues, but I dutifully placed the CPAP machine on my bedside shelves and hooked myself up with the mask and the hose and all that. And then I lay there with air blowing up my nose, trying to find a comfortable position. Luckily, my husband was on a business trip, so he missed night one. After 2 hours of being unable to sleep a wink, I yanked off the mask and decided to try again the next night.

Night two, bedtime approached. I put on my nightie and my face mask, and winked at my husband across the bed. He recoiled. I gave him a little toodle-oo wave and jumped onto the bed. Just then, the machine kicked in, and the first whooshing burst of air hit my nose. I exhaled rather forcefully, and he said "Hey, Darth."

Mentally, I'd been comparing the mask to some sort of freak-show bondage gear, but he was totally right. This was much less "Bring out the Gimp" and much more "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Despite my previous night's bad luck with the mask, I found that I could wedge myself into a bunch of pillows and fall asleep. And I stayed asleep, with no kicking and flailing and snorting and any of my usual antics. Even better, when I woke up the next morning, for the first time in forever my body didn't feel exhausted and bruised all over. I felt... RESTED. I mean, I had a triangle shaped rash on my face from the mask, and spectacularly bad hair, and cotton mouth something fierce, but still. I felt like I had a whole night's good sleep.

After a couple of good nights of sleep, I can honestly say that while sleeping hooked up to a ding-dang machine is not even close to ideal, I think I'm going to give it a go. I mean, do I want to do this forever? No. But the good news is both my doctor and my other doctor and now my respiratory person think that if I lose enough weight, this will go away. And they also all agree that I have been retaining and gaining weight most likely because my thryoid was off-kilter and my body was being forced to fight all night long to breathe, leaving me sluggish in the day (and leaving my body hoarding calories to fight with.)

Today, I took all three kids with me to the doctor's office to return my loaner CPAP machine, and to order my very own one. And a new mask-type called a "lady's nose pillows." I totally hope it is sparkly pink, and that it doesn't give me a rash like this other thing did. WE WILL SEE.

Oh, by the way - my dog is fine. She's apparently got Addison's Disease, which means I need to give her a shot of medicine every 25 days for the rest of forever, but she's recovering nicely (despite being on prednisone which has been making her pee on the floor and act a bit crazy)

Darth image via