Okay, so I've only been reading you for a few months, but today's post? You had me rolling on the floor. I'm usually the one that watches the infommercials and THINKS about ordering but I don't usually do it.
However, my husband talked me into getting the Red Exerciser. He said he wanted it but he suggested that maybe I might "enjoy" it. I have to tell you that the DVD that came with it looks like someone did it in their living room and the guy leading these two girls (who look like morons!) sounds about as exciting as a VERY boring lecture on the mating habits of houseflies.
Oh, and then it sat in my living room - IN MY LIVING ROOM - for several weeks so that "we would be motivated to use it." I think my son (5)is the only one that used it (it's like this stool that you swing back and forth on) and he used it to spin things off really fast and he also used it to help him scale the front windows!!
Anyway, it's still around here somewhere. I'm embarassed to give it away because I don't want anyone to know that I have such a stupid, crappy piece of "exercise equipment!"
Sorry so long - have no blog of my own, but I'm loving yours!!
Melissa

I still kind of really want the weighted hula hoop.

I've had:
the thighmaster (I and II!)
healthrider
trampoline shoes
lots of bungee thingies

Oh boy, oh boy. Okay, here goes...two words: Thigh|Master. Yep, I said it, thigh master. I stumbled upon an infommerical one fine night, or early morning and there it was, the answer to my problems. "They" told me I could sit and use this little device and all would be right with the world. I called, they accepted my money and in 7-10 days it arrived. It was a disaster from the word go, I used it a few times, hated it; used it again, pinched myself really bad - threw it in the box and left it for 2 YEARS until I put it the "FREE" box at a garage sale. That was my one and ONLY infommercial fitness purchase. My husband and I have been wanting Wii fit since we first heard about it. Thanks for offering such a great prize - I'm sure it's WAY better than the Thigh Master. Oy Vey!

How have I never heard of the Red Exerciser?

http://www.redexerciser.net/

Duuuuuude! Melissa's on the board!

Alright, crockpot lady, in your defense, I will say the hula hoop, while painful, is actually fun and I can see how it may be effective someday.

The healthrider trampoline shoes? Are they like these? http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00007BKUN/qid=1136959334/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-8658157-9001436?v=glance&s=imaginarium&n=507846

Shelly! Thigh! Master! Aw yeah.

ah yes...a fellow ambassador. sweeeeet. ; )

I'm DYING to hear your take on the Wii Fit. Forget about Sarah Harding being the New Face of Wii Fit. I nominate Tracey.

I am jealous of you and Tracey and your WII PARTIES!!

However, I will put my jealousy aside to spread the word of your contest and post (or repost haha) and entry of my own.

I'm going to write my embarrassing fitness purchase.

I heard about this product called the 'Hawaii Chair' and how it can create slimmer abs with the "ancient art of the Hula". Yes, I should have known what I was getting into. Not only does this piece of junk not work well, you look like a FOOL while using it. One only needs to see a person using it to understand. It's like riding a wooden roller coaster, neck strains included! It is the most ridiculous piece of equipment I've ever bought. I sold it within a week. Can you blame me?

While we are on the topic of the Wii, I saw an article online that was talking about a new wii game. It's being dubbed 'Wii Strip'... yes, a stripper pole Wii game.
http://www.abcnews.go.com/Technology/story?id=4680562
Imagine the workouts you could get with this game! LOL. If only I had a wii, darn.

Hawaii Chair! Bwahahahahahahaa! http://www.hawaiichair.com/hawaii/

Also, I don't even know what to say about the pole dancing workout. Have you seen the wii pii pii game?

Oh, the misery and embarrassment. But still, I buy and try.

Okay -- I've had the thighmaster (to be truthful, I still have the thighmaster, but now it's in a box), an exercise bike, a real bike, a treadmill (still have it, and it's dusty), paid memberships to gyms that I never used, and have bought a plethora of videos and DVD's that I don't exercise to -- the worst being a video of a BUNS OF STEEL that when I did the workout routine -- 1 time -- my buns and legs hurt so badly I missed work for a day!
I really hope I win!

I bought some small size free weights as I neared the end of my pregnancy. I had been going to the gym every day for a few months before I got pregnant and 2 weeks until I delivered. I somehow thought I was going to keep doing my workout after my baby arrived. I never used those weights at all! They still sit in the back of the baby's closet with all his infant gear.

So, here is my lack of fitness story. I have not purchased a bunch of cool sounding infomercial exercise equipment (Hawaii chair!) but I would love to get the Wii fitness to help me out with losing the 30 lbs from the 5 year ago pregnancy. I seem to try to get on the exercise bandwagon about once per year. Something always seems to go wrong.

The first year, I got a second hand treadmill from a friend. I finally decided to get on the bandwagon and use it. After about two weeks, it stops working mid stride. That was it for that year.

I finally replaced that treadmill with a new elliptical machine. I promptly broke my big toe (not while using the machine but it was still very painful). That was it for year two.

Of course it only took 6 weeks for my toe to heal but the elliptical sat around for a year before I tried to use it again. I was using it regularly when my stomach decided not to be very regular. I had bad stomach cramps for about two weeks, which turned out to be Crohn’s disease. I was down and out with that for a few weeks, which turned into a year of not working out.

Just a few weeks ago, I decided to use that towel hanger for what it’s supposed to be used for – exercise. After about a week I got a rash that I thought was from sweat around my sports bra. It turned out to be shingles. For those of you who don’t know, shingles is like getting chicken pox in your nerves. All I could do is lie on the couch with an icepack across my boob.

I am finally healed from that and I don’t think I’m going to wait a year before exercising again. Both of my kids are finally old enough to be in camp all day over the summer. This is the time that I have been waiting for to get my pre-pregnancy body back again. I just hope the plague doesn’t hit me.

OMG, Donna W. - that's quite a run :)

I will have to say that I am to a sucker of the exercise infomercial.

1.I have the 6 week body make over, which I have done for 1 week 6 different times (I'm not sure if that was how it was intended).

2. I have the ab lounger, for which my daughter loves to lounge on and watch TV.

3.I have the core body DVD with the huge fitness ball. This happens to be one of those that you sign up for a subscription to get the fitness ball and first DVD, and then you have to call and cancel when you no longer want them to send you anymore DVD's. I don't think I need to tell you how many of those were sent to the house before I actually called and cancelled.

4. And of course I have many of the Tao Bo DVD's. Basically they are all the same with a slightly different title.

5. Last but not least I have the Gazzle. You know the one that Tony Little does the informercials for. My daughter loves it. She uses it as and indoor swing. It also makes a good place to hang your towels after you shower.

Oh the list..it could go on forever. Back in college, I was active and healthy. Grad school--well, not so much and thus began my foray into the crap products.

Abroller--yep, had one, nope it didn't work.

Jane Fonda--yes, the ones where she's wearing leotards and leg warmers--workout tapes. Checked out from the library in 1995.:) The newer ones purchased at a garage sale in 1996.

Buns of Steel-purchased several makes of these and couldn't make it through the first 15 minutes, even when I WAS in shape.

Expensive bike to "ride to health"--um yeah. This is when I realized that to really get any REAL exercise/health benefit out of it, you have to ride for MILES and MILES and MILES. Yeah, I wasn't.

I got the right sneakers for every activity--running (which I NEVER did), court sports (which I did for a time), tennis shoes for the tennis game I still intend to take up (some 10 years later).

Yoga mat and bag for the class I took until I delivered my first. Still sitting in the closet where I left it the day before labor began (ooohh, some 6 years ago).

Oh--almost forgot..what about magnets? I did those too! Supposedly helped with weight loss and "required" less work to lose weight. Magnetic bracelts and belts to wear under the shirt...supposed to stimulate blood flow..yada yada, yada. Um yeah, didn't work.

Walking your way to fitness book--Denise Austin, I think. Maybe opened twice after it got home with me.

Resistance bands..just the bands, not the nice ones with the handles. I had to tie one end to the door knob and hoped it stayed--it often didn't! Or wrap underneath my foot and do curls. Of course, I had to actually DO the exercises. That failed after about two weeks.

I tried the stroller exercising with my Graco (required for the kid anyway). It was a pain. Too hot.

Oh roller blades. I was going to go down every sidewalk in my neighborhood. Then I realized how totally absurd I looked and felt and could never get the hang of it. They remained in the closet after about 3 weeks of use. Sold "like new" in a garage sale a few years back.

I still have my skis from high school--18 years ago. Not used since 1993 and I can't fit into the boots/bindings anymore, yet they sit in my garage. I also live in the south now with no mountains within at least 5 hours of driving.

So I must admit that I only stumbled across your blog recently but your post on previous fitness purchases (especially the trampoline) nearly made me pee my pants, which brought me back to my own embarrassing fitness story. I’ll admit that it’s not a purchase story per se, but if you’re looking for embarrassing then I’m sure that I’ve got that covered. In fact, I hope you'll consider it a testament to how much I REALLY WANT that Wii Fit that I'm sharing this story in public, for the first time. Here goes...

Last summer, after an unfortunate miscarriage in which I gained 10 lbs. instantly but found that my body wanted to give those pounds a permanent home afterwards (in general, my body has a knack for giving a home to pounds that others may have lost), I decided to try out a month-long "Boot Camp" class at my YMCA, where I go for my occasional workout. Day 1 nearly had me in tears and having traumatic flash backs to freshman basketball days because the guy actually thought he was a drill sargeant and yelled at us, saying that if he caught us during some running exercise that we'd have to keep running. If you can believe it, I made it back for Day 2, which brought a new instructor who did much less yelling but much more weights, lunges, sprints, running up 6 flights of stairs (multiple times) and other tortuous exercises.

On the morning of Day 3, I was so sore that I honestly could not get out of bed without the help of my husband nor could I sit on the toilet without a good deal of cursing and exertion. Unfortunately, I had to go into work because of a deadline so I SLOWLY made my way through my day, holding in my pee until late in the afternoon because I wanted to avoid the pain of sitting down.

When the bladder finally threw up the white flag, I made my way to the women's room at my office. I had to pee like a racehorse but also was in severe muscle pain, so I did my best to get my pants down and get myself down onto the seat as quickly as I could under the circumstances. To help myself, I grabbed onto the toilet paper dispenser to help lower myself down onto the seat. Unfortunately, the dispenser gave way, broke clear off the wall and I did a graceful fall (pants down & all) into the gap between the toilet and the stall wall. As if that wasn't embarrassing enough, all of the pee that I'd been saving up started leaking out AND there was someone in another stall who asked "are you ok over there?" I let out a weak little "yeah", struggled to get up, finish peeing (not on myself thankfully), clean myself off and pull up my undies and then I got the hell out of there before the other person could finish up their business and see that it was me. I went to my desk, picked up my purse and left for the day, convinced that I had done enough to dignify myself for the day, the year and possibly even my lifetime.

Flash forward a few weeks and I'm proud to report that I finished the full 4 weeks of boot camp and my reward for all of that hard work was a total weight loss of a whopping TWO pounds.

To sum up: 4 weeks of torture + unbearable pain + broken toilet paper holder + falling on the floor of a grimy office women’s room, pants down, pee leaking = 2 pounds. Yea me!

The End.

Just too funny. Thanks for the laugh!
genny
www.mycup2yours.com

OK, I'm gonna have to think about my own story, but I just can't wait to think and post and then comment - GIRL. You. Got. That. Horsy. Thing.!!!??? Nu! Uh! Girl! I never really met anyone... I am cracking up... that thing is hilarious! So much.

I have an entry up! Yay for free, healthy crap!

I have no website and would have a hard time topping these stories but I have purchased in the past 25 years the following hardly used items:

2 exercise bikes (clothing racks),
1 regular bike,
1 treadmill,
2 pairs of rollerblades,
1 thighmaster,
6 gym memberships,
1 exercise ball,
10 different videos,
5 separate Weight Watchers memberships,
1 local pool pass,
2 yoga mats,
1 yoga course (went once),
2 raquetball raquets,
1 tennis raquet,
1 pair tennis shoes,
2 softball gloves,
1 pair softball shoes,
2 pair water sandals and several hand/leg weights.

I'm sure the Wii Fit will be the one I stick with...

You know those Swedish exercise balls? I bought one, it came in a kit with a book (that has never been opened), 1 band made of rubber; if I had said a rubber band maybe you would have thought, "What the hell is that for?", 3 DVDs and a pump. Pumping the ball full of air is a workout in itself!

I live in a tiny apartment, so I had to move every thing out of the way so I could watch the DVD as well as use the ball. The lady on the video wanted me to lay on my back, put the ball between my ankles and bring my legs back over my head. I can't do that even without a ball between my ankles! I ended up skipping that part.

Anyway the more into the video I got, I noticed I'd moved farther away from the TV and kept advancing to the right.

I was sitting on the ball...kind of bouncing up off it. I didn't put enough (or maybe I put too much) air in the ball and it popped, the coffee table I had moved prior to my exercise found itself in the path of my head. I went ass over teakettle and just as it happend my boyfriend walked in to see my legs up in the air and me swearing profusely.

It was an awesome day.

i have had the ab roller, thigh master, stretchy thing that fits over the door enough, free weights, ab lounge, exercise bike, treadmill (i fell on it and the belt ate a big chunk of my sweatpants!), numerous videos and dvds, and tons of books with complicated diagrams.

but the stupidest thing i ever bought wasn't to exercise with, but to wear while you exercise- those plastic pants that will make you burn fat! they will also make your underwear wet and make sweat run out of the bottom of the legs. it looked like i was peeing in my pants! for that matter, i could have been tinkling a river and no one would have been any the wiser. eventually, i had a blow out and had to patch them with electrical tape. yes, my ass is still huge!

i would really like to win the wii. i promise NOT to use it while wearing plastic pants!

thighmaster- STUPID

Tony Little's Gazelle- MAKES ME SEASICK

Treadmill- out to kill me

Yoga DVDS- um, yeah. fuck that.

Pilates DVDS. Double the above statement.

Walk away the pounds DVD. Not too bad. Kind of amusing to watch to watch while eating ice cream and laying on the couch.

I have no funny stories, but there is my list of shame.

Once, I tried to chew gum instead of snack when I was bored. I went through a whole pack of gum in one day. That's pretty much it for me.

I had a treadmill that I made 2 of my friends carry up 3 flights of stairs for me...and I used it once; got bored, turned it into a clothes hanger.

I'm staring at a Gazelle Edge right now (yes, in my living room), and have used it just a few times, for about 2 minutes each. ugh.

I bought a yoga CD with the ball, matt, everything! The first time (& second & third before I gave up), I put the CD in, and promptly fell asleep.

A wii should at least make it FUN, right?

Two words.... TOTAL TIGER

(Here's the link for full visual enjoyment http://www.asontv.com/fitness/total-tiger.html)

This stupid machine, if you will, was in fact no machine. It was chrome blue in color and the basic principle of this "machine" was to work your abs. The "machine" is in three pieces. One to pad your knees and hold your feet and two other pieces on wheels with handles. My dumbass first decides to used this on carpet to no avail so I then decide to take it to the garage. In the videos it shows how a rather tiny woman, who probably never had issues in the first place, in a push-up position elegantly swaying back and forth to maximize the obliques. I thought to myself, "dang toothpick girl can do it so can I". Sure I can. So, I position myself on padded blue ugliness on the smooth, hard concrete and no longer put my hands on the rolling contraption and did a face plant on the concrete chipping the fresh bonding I had done the previous week. Try embarrassing contraption PLUS cracked teeth all for the low-low price of $119.95!!

You did NOT buy an iGallop ... say it isn't so!??? Because if it is, I'm totally coming over because I want to see this thing in real life.

My most prized possession: the very very absolutely first Buns of Steel VHS tape with that pole vaulter, Greg somethingsomething. Yeah, baby!

Oooooo, I SO want to be in this! I already posted an entry for today, rest assured I'll be blogging lots of embarrassing stuff tomorrow.

Right after I bake oatmeal raisin cookies. Damn those church luncheons!

Oh no...I got one of those Yoga Booty Ballet CD's, complete with that stupid ass little blue ball. You just try doing exercises and contorting yourself in all sorts of fun ways while trying NOT to shoot the ball from your thighs...I'm fairly certain that, 1) my dog hated when I did my exercises, she is not the ball chasing kind and got hit many a time by a flying blue ball...and 2) I honestly, seriously, 100% broke a picture from said flying blue ball.

I promptly trashed the CD, deleted my "Beach Body" membership that came with the CD ANNNDDDDDDD...punctured the ball, deflated it and trashed it all while laughing very evil-like! LOL

I "absolutely" had to have my own eliptical (sp?) ellyptical (?) whatever, I had to have one. So I found one on craigslist, drove over an hour to see it and bought it on the spot. I rode it three times. That thing kicked my ass. I even tried it with a beer. (you need refreshment, right?) All to no avail. It has sat on my front porch covered in dust for the past 14 months. My 6 yr old son will get on it from time to time and it makes me breathe heavy watching the little sucker.

The stupidest thing I bought for exercise was a gym membership. Oh, I'm sure you are thinking, that's not stupid. That's actually a reasonable purchase. And it Would Have Been, except I never went.

There was the time I went in and the gym smelled. I mean, really? Can you work out when it smells like that in there?

Then there was the time that George Bush was on the TV. I simply couldn't watch THAT while trying not to fall off a treadmill.

I also tried water aerobics. And I kept going under and gagging and sputtering, but people twenty years older than me were dancing and getting their underwater groove on? I couldn't face THAT again.

I tried a spin class taught by Satan herself, and I thought I would die. I couldn't get off my sofa for three days. Some wholly unkind person notified me that Miss Satan was, indeed Pregnant- and if she could ride like the wind pregnant, and I was winded before I got my feet in the pedal stirrups, there was no hope for me.

I tried a step class, not realizing it was an advanced step class. I spent the entire class on the step when everyone else was off, and facing forward whilst everyone was looking at ME. Stepping was just not for me.

I paid my monthly dues, and I drove by and said, THAT'S my gym! But as soon as I possibly could, which was twelve long months of payments later, I went in and cancelled the Worst Exercise Move I've ever made.

No way I can win this one since I haven't made any truly ridiculous purchases in THAT department. Not gonna stop me from trying, though. That wii fit thing makes me want to turn to a life of crime.

http://www.wannabehippie.com/blog/2008/5/15/but-i-want-it-please.html

let's see... the most embarrasing story thus far in my excercise experience.

After having baby I gamely joined a gym 3 months later after getting the thumbs up from Doc. Bouncing and huffing and making all sorts of unladylike noises was hardly the way for me so I decided instead to take up running. But not until after I have a "running wardrobe". Because you CAN NOT just run in any old thing you know. Fast forward 4 or 5 months to when I actually decide to start, I get all prettied up, throw on my MP3 player, bought just for the occasion, and make my way down the road. Pretty soon I'm labouring to breath and as I'm sucking in air like a 300 pound cat with asthma it happens. I suck in a bug at the same time. Instant gag response and I'm throwing up on the sidewalk while people drive by honking. Then I'm crying out of exhaustion, humiliation and joy. (An excuse not to run already! Hurray!)So I make my way back down my very short road and collapse in a heap in front of my boyfriend, who thankfully, know not to even make a peep in reply to my condition. And that my friends, is my excercise story.. next year perhaps I'll try again.

I am a longtime blog lurker, but visions of Wii consoles and tiny Nintendo logos and the idea of divesting myself of a stubborn layer of stomach blubber are dancing through my head (they've replaced the sugarplums, actually, which is probably a good thing as I assume sugarplums would be rather high in carbs), and so I am stepping out of the shadows and submitting myself to public fitness ridicule in hopes of becoming a proud Wii exerciser.

My relationship with fitness purchases is closely tied to my relationship with my own inherent clumsiness. It's not the diet or the exercise itself that I find daunting, but what is for me the extraordinarily arduous task of physically coordinating my arms, legs, and that part of the body that grinning, glistening fitness instructors love to refer to as the "core." As ordinary walking sometimes proves challenging for me, the idea of fitness DVDs with exercises that I could perform in the privacy and seclusion of my own home was at first immensely appealing. While studying in my dorm room at three in the morning, snacking on rice crispies treats pilfered from the dining hall, a lively young man named Shaun T began to shimmy his twelve-pack abs across my television screen to the sounds of hip-hop music, and his silvered tongue quickly convinced me that I too could slim and tone my midsection while learning the hottest dance moves straight out of the nightclubs of Los Angeles. I picked up my phone, got the free rush delivery for ordering in the first ten minutes, and soon was excitedly popping in the first DVD. What happened next can only be described as catastrophic. I galumphed about my room with all the rhythm and style of a baby elephant, flailing my arms about my head as I tried to "raise the roof," kicking my legs in a manner better suited to Russian folk dancers than L.A. clubgoers. Finally, above the intoxicating hip-hip beats, I began to hear the sound of obnoxious laughter, and looked out my foolishly open window to see an entire contingent of fraternity members drinking in my hilarity-inducing moves like cheap beer on a Saturday night. Thus, my hip-hop ab workout died a quick and humiliating death.

Shortly thereafter, I decided to try a different tactic and join a gym, and received a free personal training session upon enrollment. The tanned young gentlemen gazed down upon me over his massively protruding pecs and proclaimed that he didn't usually work with people who had "as much work to do" as I did, but he was willing to give it a try. He tossed my saggy, cellulite-dimpled butt onto a treadmill, directed me to "run like hell" for fifteen minutes, and told me he'd be back. Remember that part where I expressed difficulty directing my limbs to move in a coordinated fashion? Well, the moving track on a treadmill proved to be far too much for my meager coordination skills to navigate. I huffed and puffed and stumbled for about half a minute. The next thing I remember is waking up on the floor, surrounded by other gym patrons and a variety of hard-bodied staff members, my limbs askew and my belly fat exposed for all the world to gaze upon. A massive black and purple lump was already ominously bulging from my forehead. From the account of a kindly elderly man who was walking on the machine beside mine, I apparently tripped over my own feet, slammed headfirst into the "Calories Burned" display (which read 20 at the time), and went shooting gallantly off the end of the treadmill, a blur of white flesh and black spandex catapulting through the air.

I limped away with a concussion, two chipped teeth, a broken toe, and severe inoperable damage to my sense of dignity. At this point, I know that it is unhealthy for me NOT to exercise, but I can't help but wonder if actually exercising could prove to be MORE dangerous in my particular case. Those fears aside, I'm still holding out high hopes for the Wii Fit. I figure if my dignity is already destroyed, what else is there to lose but weight? And by the way, if I win the Wii and subsequently injure myself, as I seem prone to doing, I promise everyone involved that I won't sue.

I posted my shame for an attempt at this great give away. I wanted to alert you becasue I am new to this blogging thing and sincerly doubt I have any "readers".

Well, you made me laugh my ass off. (is that exercise!?)

My entry is on my blog:
http://claresauntie.typepad.com/fiftycenthead/2008/05/wiill-get-fit-t.html

Back in the day, I took Jazzercize classes and cardio kickboxing. I was able to do that you-should-be-able-to-talk-while-exercising-if-you-can't-you-then-ease-up thing the exercise gurus always told you. Fast forward to now, after the birth of 2 children and working a desk job. I can barely make it up the stairs without begging for mercy. Plus I live in the cheese and beer state...and am getting The Butt That Ate Milwaukee. A Wii would help me fight The Butt, cuz right now it's winning the battle. Added bonus, my kids would think that I'm the coolest mom ever if we had a Wii!

I bought the pilates video with the little black stretchy hula-hoop lookin thing that goes around your thighs, and pulled my butt muscle trying to keep it from sliding down my sweaty leg, and I also bought "The Firm", yes you know the exercise video with a bunch of pretty, skinny little exercise nazis who never break a sweat and can hold a conversation with you, while you collapse on the floor in a puddle of your own sweat, panting and swearing at them in between gasps.
I am also one of the hopefulls that has tried numerous diet pills, while not exercising or eating right, thinking I would loose some weight. On the upside my normally mellow self gained a new high strung personality before they ditched the effedrine.

The Gym: Round One
Many, many moons ago, I got my first job: I was to wrangle children in a 10x10 room of the local gym that hosted my brother’s Tae Kwon Doe. Come to find out…my job came with the perk of free membership and tanning. Since I am just about the color of white bread, tanning wasn’t such a perk. But use of the gym seemed lovely. So Kirby in his lovely, skin tight wife beater and matching men’s workout pants (I call them hard body hammer pants) put me on a circuit training regimen to ‘tighten me up’. In addition, he suggested I attend his sister’s cardio/strength classes a couple times a week. Circuit training-great. Being told by a 5’2” freak of nature “Come on, you can do it, I’m old, you’re young, you can do it”…not so great. This lasted right up until Kirby started giving me the creeps.

Baby # 1 and The Home Gym
After MZ was born and I realized he DIDN’T weigh 57 pounds, I decided something had to be done. While I was never super thin, I also was never fat. Now, I was fat. I was living with my parents at the time and my 5’10” 140 pound mother did nothing but remind me of this. My parents had spent many thousands of dollars on gym equipment in the past, but it was all set up in the garage…never to be used. Hmm, wonder why…June in Houston. So after many, many nights of begging and pleading I convinced my stepfather to give up part of his office for a new home gym. We dusted everything off, disassembled the things and moved the total gym, the stair climber, the mini trampoline and the bike up one and a half flights of stairs, only for me to realize that even if you are inside working out, you still sweat. I’m not a glistener, I sweat like men sweat when the do construction in Phoenix in July. After a couple weeks, the room just smelled bad, so he kindly asked me to stop.

The Nordic Track
A few months later we were living with my in-laws. I decided to give their Nordic Track a whirl. I swear, Jesus used that thing to stay in shape. To old, jerky, noisy for me.

WestPac and Slender Lady
Just after my son turned two, the Navy deployed my husband for 6 months. So a girlfriend and I decided to join Slender Lady (very similar to curves) and I loved it. This was also about the time this friend and I invested in the ‘smelly markers’. It’s easy…whenever you’re hungry, just sniff the markers and your hunger disappears. Lost some weight, felt great, but then the hubs came home and said my working out was inconveniencing him, so I quit.

Tae Bo
Billy Blanks’ brother was actually stationed on our base when I bought this series. Every time I saw Master Chief Blanks (who looks just like Billy) I wanted to tell kick his ass and tell him what a #@*$ up his brother was. For my husband’s career, I stopped.

Baby #2 and the horrid Valentine’s Gift
After my second baby…I was really fat and out of shape. So for Valentine’s Day my husband bought me a treadmill. I used that thing religiously in conjunction with a horrid array of diet pills some quack doctor prescribed me, lost 50 pounds and left his ass. A treadmill for Valentine’s Day? What did he think was going to happen?

Happy Fat
Then I met my husband and well, we got happy fat together. When I went back to the quack doctor the last time I weighed 135 pounds and he refilled my script again. I realized at this point, he was just giving out meds and I was addicted. So, I stopped and that’s when the happy fat came. Not to say I didn’t try to do things: I, too bought the 6 minute collection. Ha! Then I tried going back to the gym on base. The gym isn’t that effective when you follow your workouts with a protein smoothie, a handful of cookies, and a nap. Then I went back to the treadmill. Been there, done that.

Wow! I've spent alot of money on crap!
List of current workout DVDs:
Yoga Booty Ballet
Carmen Electra Strippercise
6 minute collection
5 (yes FIVE) shipments of Bender Ball
Billy Blanks bootcamp
Billy Blanks Tae Bo
Jillian Michaels’ Shred (she is pure evil)
The best part of all these is the last time I tried to hang with Billy my husband walked in about 5 minutes into it. Imagine walking in the house to find your wife drenched in sweat, sitting on the couch, eating a pint of Ben and Jerrys. “Babe, that Sh*t is way harder than it looks.” His response? “I know, babe, move over and gimme a bite.

Wow, there's lots of years of bad fitness history. I was a wanna be bodybuilder in the 80's. The one and only gym membership I ever used. The thighmaster, ahhh yes, the thighmaster. How can I forget the trip to the emergency room with the broken nose? I never did master my thighs... I've had two pairs of Roller Blades; one before kids which actually got used because I wasn't afraid of falling down to stop, and the new pair which were bought to keep up with the kids on their bikes and DON'T get used because if I fall and break myself (likely), who will make sure the kids get home safe? I'd say my most embarrassing fitness purchase was a Cher aerobic video. The embarrassing part was that it was Cher, in her costumed glory, missing ribs and all. The workout was really very good, especially the ab workout. I used it everyday before a (pre child) trip to Jamaica and my abs looked great. Got pregnant on that trip and I've never been the same, since.

Looking at my body now, post two children, and remembering back to my high school years I can only shake my head at my limited thought process. At 16 years old, sans muffin tummy and loose arse, I made my first fitness related purchase. The arobic step. How fun and easy would this be! I may have done it twice before killing my knee on the thing. Twice. I was 16. What 16 year old gets a knee injury.

Thus my trampy one night stand mold was set in regards to fitness equipment. Yoga, I can do that. Who on earth can't bend their body? Why is that girl next to me smirking? B****, I'll show you!

Next, I also succumed to the weighted hula hoop. This would be so much fun. How could anyone not want to play with a toy, and get fit! I had to wear a dress for a week because my jeans hurt the bruises on my hips and stomach.

The rubber bands with the handles, I've done that too. You know what the most fun thing is about those? When one of the kids who gave you the muffin tummy starts a tug of war to get them away from you. Hurt? You bet. Break anything? You can count on it.

Ahh, the ab lounger, my most recent sluty conquest. Sat in the middle of the bedroom floor for one month prior to first use. Anyone can sit up. I decided to time myself. I bet I do 10 minutes easy. Burn, burn, burn, 2 minutes. Ab lounger meet garage.

Just a VHS tape....Richard Simmons "Sweatin' To The Oldies."

Yes, yes I did and to make it worse...I also bought the second one! Also on VHS.

And to really cap it off, I just admitted that little known fact to the world as we know it.

Thank you, thank you verrry much.

I do not have a blog, and am new to reading them, but this made me laugh so hard--and I could relate to it so well---that I had to share my own long list of exercise equipment gone wrong.

I think the worst and most embarrasing thing I ever bought was an electronic ab stimulator "as seen on tv". Yes, I actually bought one. It is a belt contraption with electrodes in it. You have to rub this jelly on your belly and then put the belt on and dial up the electicity...I should have known better when I read on the instructions to use lots of jell...apparently I didnt use enough. I turned the belt on and didnt feel anything, so I turned it up all the way...at that point it felt like someone was shoving a cattle prod into my guts, I ripped the thing off and found that I had red round burn marks across the front of my stomach. I was to embarrased to try to sell it or give it away so I chucked it in the trash.
I also bought the total tiger and did a face plant in the floor...but I didnt learn my lesson...I bought another ab roller thing and did another face plant.
The next thing I bought was a trampoline, but no mini trampoline for me! I went out and bought a 16 footer. It was super fun, but I had to quit using it when I noticed my neighbor watching me through his blinds. This is not the man show!
I then decided to get an eliptical trainer...it was so hard that I couldnt move the petals, so I convinced my husband to let me trade it in on a treadmill, which turned into a clothes hanger.
My husbands favortite was when I bought the bands that you put in the door...he got immense amusement watching me work out with those. Every so often the door would come open and the bands would smack me in the face. You would think I would stop after the first time, but I did not. After about the 4th or 5th smack in the face my husband had tears rolling down his cheeks from laughter.
Also on my long list is the thigh master, a yoga ball (which resulted in a trip to the ER after I fell off of it backwards onto my neck), a weight machine, and tons of videos.
I just bought a total gym this week. I havnt used it yet, but I have high hopes.

Well, my most awful fitness purchase was not so much a product, but instead spending the money to take part in a Biggest Loser-type competition at our local karate place. I lasted exactly one class, before fleeing in terror and humilitation.

You can read about it, in all my shameful glory, at my blog: www.notquitewhatihadplanned.blogspot.com Go to the Aug 23, 2006 post, entitled: "Oh my Holy Hell, are you kidding me with this??"

(That title pretty much says it all, doesn't it?)

PS. Sorry, tried to do a link but couldn't get it to work in the comments.

Well, I don't think I can compete with some of the stories above. Hilarious!! But nonetheless I have posted a blog entry so go check it out. I have been on a weight loss campaign (not actually loss cos when you lose something you expect to find it again, so a Getting rid of weight campaign) since November and decided to blog about it. I would love for more people to join me in the fight against fat (and a Wii Fit would help considerably!). Go to http://growby40.blogspot.com/

Woo hoo! Count me in on the contest! You can read about my unfortunate experiences in this post:

http://craftrage.blogspot.com/2008/05/loose-tooth-anyone.html

Honestly, though? I think you're right - the IGallop really does take the cake. I watched Cat On IGallop on YouTube last night and was transfixed. Then I visited the website to see how quickly I could get one shipped to me. I have three cats - I'm sure they'd enjoy the stimulation!

I found your site through Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper. I am so glad that I did. Your exercise equipment post is a classic!

I thought about the regular hula hoop I bought (can't even make it spin). I thought of the $2 garage sale find Thighmaster (ouch...just the one time). I thought about my recent jumprope purchase (decided that jumping rope is more fun in a schoolyard).

Finally, I remembered my Richard Simmons Sweatin' to the Oldies VHS tape. How embarrassing to admit!

Ok, so I've followed Miss Jenny from her days at BigSlice and she only gets better, let me tell ya. I can't compete with her goodies that she's bought and tried, I can only hope to keep up! I too laughed until I snorted water out of my nose right at my computer at work. My co-workers, who are very use to this, didn't miss a beat and only assumed I was reading this blog...again....during working hours....um, nevermind!
I am the proud owner of the ENTIRE series, PLUS the newest Carmen Electra Aerobic Striptease DVDs. Now mind you, only the first DVD has been stripped of it's wrapper.......
I bought a BowFlex used, sits in the den and makes a HELLUVA clothes line. I couldn't even BEGIN to figure out how to use it so it technically has never been used. But I bought about $100 worth of accessories to motivate me....they still sit in the UPS box they came in 6 months ago.....hmmm....
I have about 25 Denise Austin DVDs that are mostly still wrapped. I've found that the only thing I do when I try to follow her workouts is curse her and wish that REALLY hateful things would happen to her. Then I go to church!
I've got 2 yoga balls, resistance bands, ankle and wrist weights, these pink balls that are smaller than a basketball and filled with sand...NO CLUE why I have them, don't even really know what they are for...yoga? Yeesh!
Small hand held dumbbells that my daughter uses as "fences" to corral her Barbie horses. Yeah.
I'm going to go ahead and stop now cause I've did some round figures of math and boy, if my hubby ONLY knew....
I think I could have just paid a plastic surgeon AND made change for Yoohoos and Krispy Kreme!!

I have a beautiful $800 eliptical sitting in my dining room that I have used 2 times. Several workout tapes and a gym membership that I finally cancelled since I never went. Maybe this is the ticket:)

My worst fitness story is falling off of my fitness ball several times in one pilates class. With old women in it. They could do it and I couldnt. Enough said.

Oh, just award it to Crystal - although I am sure I have bought WAY more stuff, WAY more memberships, and ingested WAY TOO MANY dif diet pills (Please God, SAVE my heart) - she alone deserves it solely due to her wit and ability to make me laugh when I just want to cry! And, just maybe, she will send it to me when she has lost all her weight! ha!

oh let me remember - I had the ab slide which is different than the ab roller I had. Neither gave me the six pack as promised. I have the Tae-Bo tapes, that I used a couple of times. I have some yoga dvds. I have a Denise Austin Shrink Your Female Fat Zones Dvd. I'm sure I have some others that I've aquired over the years.
I have a thighmaster, or a knock off of it. My thighs have mastered nothing.
I bought a Jump rope set that featured Dean Cain - But where in my house can I jump rope?

Oh the timing on this is so good it's almost scary. This story is true, oh so true.

Two weeks ago I purchased one of those exercise balls that are supposed to "firm and strengthen" the core. I pumped up the ball and then promptedly sat on the sofa while I watched the training video. (I might mention that while watching I rest my feet on the ball and enjoyed a lovely fudge bar.) Interesting video, didn't look too hard, the people looked great. I promptly ignored the ball and video.

Until two nights ago. I decided it was time to work on my Core. Plus, we were out of fudge bars and I didn't have anything to do anyway. I popped in the DVD and sat on the ball. All was going well, stretching and bending and balancing. We, me and the disgustingly well toned and pretty people on the video, started to really get into it. I did pretty well, made it throught the crunches and bends and strange things with the rubber scarf that was included.

I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I had survived until the cool down phase. The phase where we stretch out again. The phase where we lay with the ball in the middle of our backs and stretch out our legs and extend our arms up over our head and touch the ground. The phase where I rolled off the ball and hit my head on the coffee table that I neglected to move. The phase where I cut my forehead so badly that it didn't seem to want to quit bleeding. The phase where I was driven to the clinic by my laughing boyfriend. The phase where I needed to get four stitched in my head.

So this isn't a story about some piece of exercise equipment I ordered on a dark and stormy night, it's about a video passed down through generations (much much scarier). A lot of you may have heard of it. I can't even think about it without shuddering. Anyway the little tape I speak of is Richard Simmon's Sweating it to the Oldies. If you haven't ever seen this wonderful piece of aerobic cinematography you are in for a treat and I'm sure youtube can satisfy any curiosity you might have.

My mom was cleaning out her movie collection when she stumbled across the video (VHS I might add). It was around the same time I had come home from college and was packing up for the move to my first apartment. It somehow made its way into my belongings and when unpacking it got put in the place with the other movies I am embarrassed about owning.

There are days when people who don't consistently exercise are in some sort of mind altered state (usually after the first of the year) and we decide today is a good day to get fit. I pushed the coffee table out of the way and the sofa against the wall and put in the tape. So there I was sweating it to the oldies trying really hard not to stare at Richard Simmon's crotch, it's like a car accident, you don't want to see the horrible atrocities, but you just can't look away. There I was really getting into it and I hear a knock at the door. I froze, "oh my god what do I do what do I do, who could it be? I'm not expecting anyone; no one can see me like this." (My level of anxiety about the situation could have been lowered had I have had a peep hole). Whoever it was knew I was home because I lunged at the TV to hit the power button and scraped the coffee table across the floor so no one would know what I was doing. I was holding my breath and standing completely still with my eyes squeezed shut hoping that they would just go away. The knocking continued and then I heard them walking away down the hallway. My curiosity got the best of me and I open the door ever so slightly and peeked out. I then realized I would probably never speak to/see this person ever again because at this point I had given the impression of being crazy. Turns out it was my 80 year old neighbor wearing her favorite snowman pajamas with a bottle of champagne. I called out her name and she shuffled back in my direction. All she needed was some help opening the champagne and I told her that new years was two weeks ago and she gave me a puzzled look. After I opened the bottle and she went on her way I went back to my apartment and took a nap wore out from the evenings events.

One year ago I joined a local "well known girls" gym. Of course prior to that I was a couch potato. I showed up the first day in gym pants and shoes eager to "pump me up"!! This particular gym has a trainer follow you through the first cycle workout. I thought I did really well considering this was the first exercise I had attempted in over 30 years. I finished my two go arounds and was standing at the open front door cooling down and drinking water. The next thing I knew I heard the owner talking to someone on the phone and saying yes, we need an ambulance. My thought was "oh, I hope that person is ok". Then I heard sirens and ENT's rushing in the door. Everyone was standing around talking and then I realized I was the ONE ON THE FLOOR....I had totally passed out. I was so embarassed!! I did go back the next day and for a year after, then I totally burned myself out and haven't been since last October. I really need a WII to help me do this exercize in the privacy of my own home. I promise to keep the phone nearby in case I need to call the ENT's again.....

I will NOT post this on my blog, it's way too embarassing....lol

I went out and bought the weights, tapes, and outfit and worked out for a week. I stopped when my husband started to sit behind me while I did is so he could stare at my butt.

I don't have a blog, but I'm DYING for a Wii so I'm in. Not sure where to start w/ my sad and embarrassing exercise purchases over the years. There have been sooo many. I see another entrant listed all of her purchases and she may have me beat, but here goes:

2 stability balls
12 Months Curves membership (I went for 3 or 4 months)
A whole bunch of workout clothes to wear at Curves (now buried under my sleepwear)
1 yoga set w/ mat, brick & DVD
1 more yoga mat – because my husband used the other one to keep the futon in place!
2 exercise bikes (or clothes hangers since that’s how they were really used)
4 (yes 4!) bicycles…I sold one when I ran out of space, one was stolen, bought one off of eBay that wasn’t safe to ride (grrr!) and just got another one that I’ve had for 3 weeks and have yet to ride (tho I did just finish assembling it).
1 elliptical machine that’s really good at holding coats and hoodies (a gift from my brother so don’t tell him *heh*)

This is just the last 6 or 7 years (during which time I’ve managed to GAIN 50 pounds…and no one told me!!! *sob*)!

Then my friends recently got a Wii and I’ve been playing whenever I can. Not being able to afford one myself, I found the Xavix system on sale online. It’s less than half the price of the Wii and kinda sorta similar, but not even close! There’s a sensor and movement games, but to be perfectly honest, I’ve had it for months and have not even turned it on (I did set it up tho!). I guess the thought of virtually running the streets of Hong Kong with Jackie Chan just isn’t calling me to the game console. Once you’ve experienced the Wii there’s no going back to a cheap imitation (from 2005). Please pick me pick me pick me! (too desperate?) :)

Over the course of a lifetime, the following torture was self-inflicted:

2 gym memberships -- worthless, for who wants to go to the gym with people there who don't look like they need to work out?

3 different memberships to Weight Watchers -- so depressing to hear stories at some of the meetings... oh, and don't forget the public before-meeting weigh in!

1 exercise bike -- why ride a bike when you can't go anywhere?

1 treadmill -- see the bike reason, and yes it made a convenient clothes rack.

Jane Fonda videos -- no further comment needed.

Richard Simmons videos -- erm... yeah.

1 fitness trainer 10-week session -- while the trainer was very nice, when you're used to eating anything you want and are reduced to a 1000 to 1200 calorie diet for the first three weeks is insane.

1 membership to a Christian-based weight loss program called PRISM -- same 1000 calorie diet for the first 2 weeks, sure lost weight but gained it right back! And who wants to eat gritty brown rice all the time either? Not me...

1 exercise ball -- discovered it during the fitness trainer time, but have only used it in home 3 times in the years I've owned it.

2 sets of hand weights.

Ballroom dance lessons -- don't get me wrong, I loved it! But if anyone tells you that you'll lose weight doing it, don't believe it! If you don't exercise much, you might change your body shape some... but you gain muscle in the process. And muscle weighs more than fat does, so no weight loss.

And my favorite: a used PS2 system from a sibling with the Dance Dance Revolution game... but no mat to use with it was in the box! -- appears I have to buy one to be able to use it... (more money going out the window).

Sadly, none of my experiences are as funny.
I bought Tony Little's Gazelle and it sat in my TV room for about 4 months and my garage for about 5 before I sold it on craigslist. I really really wanted to use it. I probably would have if there had been a video to go along with it. But trying to remember to change positions according to the booklet wasnt really helpful. I used it 4 times.
I also bought "Walk away the pounds" after discovering it at my mom's house and really rather enjoying it. I have used it maybe a dozen times in 3 years.
That's about it for purchases. We are members of the gym and I go usually once a week. I tell myself I will go more, but I have an allergic reation to the gym- every time I join one I GAIN weight. This usually motivates me to go more often, but I never actually lose weight. I have to content myself with being healthier.
Our previous gym had been put into an older building- so it was 4 rather small floors on top of each other. The cardio and circuit rooms were on the top floor! How cruel is that? Usually by the time I got to the top I was winded from the stairs, then after the workout it was all I could do to get back down without falling over. Thanks for the giveaway!

Oh my gosh...let's see...I had a stationary bike for while, got tired of it, asked hubby if he minded if I sold it at a garage sale. He said, "You'll regret it later." Nah, I won't!! I do. But my STUPIDEST (this is really embarrassing) purchase ever was while I was young...very young...much too young to know what I was doing (I think I was a senior in high school) was to purchase a pair of plastic shorts that attach to the vaccuum cleaner and "suck" the fat right off of you. Yep...totally embarrassing, I fell for it. Now, don't tell anybody I did that! The shorts were blue plastic, had a white plastic attachment for the vaccuum. I tried to suck off the fat. Oh my...I can't believe I'm confessing!!

First of all, love the blog! I found it through Boobs, etc. Had to enter the contest...but in looking at the comments, my name is on someone else's entry.

My entry is actually right above the one with the name Trish. It should be this one:

Posted by: *jen | May 14, 2008 7:24 PM

Back in the day, I took Jazzercize classes and cardio kickboxing. I was able to do that you-should-be-able-to-talk-while-exercising-if-you-can't-you-then-ease-up thing the exercise gurus always told you. Fast forward to now, after the birth of 2 children and working a desk job. I can barely make it up the stairs without begging for mercy. Plus I live in the cheese and beer state...and am getting The Butt That Ate Milwaukee. A Wii would help me fight The Butt, cuz right now it's winning the battle. Added bonus, my kids would think that I'm the coolest mom ever if we had a Wii!

Please fix it so I can win that Wii! :) Not only does The Butt need it, but my sister wants to come over and work on her muffin top stomach.

It all began with Jane Fonda and Richard Simmons VHS tapes. I moved on to jump rope, weights, exercise mat, water arobics, walking shoes, treadmill, bike, ab roller, thigh master, gazelle, gym membership, WW memberships, and those stretchy bands. The dumb thing is that I watched the videos from the couch thinking that would do the trick.

I too happened upon your site courtesy of Crystal of BIDP infamy. I cannot tell you how hard I had to try to stifle my laughter after reading your posts and then the posts of your readers...FLIPPIN' Hilarious!!

So I know my story won't hold a flame to some of these but I had to share because the mere mention of it still makes my mom blush!! My mom is obsessed w/ clutter--she loves her clutter and the clutter of others which lends itself to her addiction to yard sales!! One fine day we were perusing a yard sale and she came across some VHS exercise videos, she lamented about how she had really let herself go and would love to get back into shape. Needless to say we walked away with quite a bargain--The Firm fitness video for a mere 50cents!! I know--I can't believe it either--my mother forked over 50 whole cents for this piece of crap. But anyway, some weeks later she decided it was time to put her investment to work--she dug it out and convinced me to partake in her fitness challenge--I knew something wasn't right as soon as I saw the backdrop of said workout video--and all the Fitness Gurus were clothed--but only momentarily!! Within minutes, it was a full on bang fest occuring before our eyes...my mom had bought a porno disguised as a workout vid!! I nearly peed myself as she fumbled with the remote to remove the debauchery from the screen. As soon as we collected ourselves, I delivered a zinger of a one liner--"well that's one way to get in shape" and then my mom fell over and died...of embarrassment.

P.S. Please don't tell her I shared this with the world--I was sworn to secrecy!!

Let's see, I started out with some boxing tapes by Kathy somebody, my sister and I went halves on the tai bo dvd's, I have a stair stepper and an excercise ball. My latest was an infomercial for winsor pilates. No blog of my own, but I came here from Boobs, Injuries, and Dr. Pepper

A dog.

Well, it's only stupid because we really don't exercise together. The entire "we'll go running and I'll have an exercise partner, etc etc" thing went right out the window.

So I stand in the yard and kick the ball for her for about 45 minutes each day. Enough time to drink a couple of beers and wonder why this 'exercise' isn't working. ;)

Actually, that was last year, but honestly, this year my husband (who is not allowed to watch infomercials) DISOBEYED and watched one. We ended up with Tony Horton's P90x. Um, I hate to admit it, but it worked. Totally. I lost 30 pounds in 3 months and can do 25 killer pushups and 1 complete and total chinup. That said, I could STILL use a Wii, because quite honestly, I'm getting ready to punch Tony Horton in the nose. :)

I don't have a blog. I do have a treadmill, exercise ball, yoga dvd. I only use the treadmill. I like to jog now, before children I would have never said that, It is like my little escape.

I can't compete with these stories - not because I haven't made stupid fitness equipment purchases, but because I'm laughing too hard!
That said, I would LOVE to try that iGallop thing, because I used to ride (horses, real horses) until my back issues became a constant problem. I've been advised by two people with actual medical degrees to try a riding simulator, to build up exactly the muscles that will take the pressure off my back when riding.
would love to know if it would help. Haven't ridden in over a year now.

The videos- Kathy, Denise Ob-nox-ious Austen, pilates, tae bo, MTV crunch, and many others I'm now forgetting.
Equipment has varied from free weights, to a step, to treadmill, to the 'ab wheel' that's still in the box 3 years later. Can't seem to part with it though.
My best/worst purchase: a jogging stroller that literally FELL APART as we were on a trail.(Think wheels rolling in opposite directions while the plastic bucket part bumped along the dusty trail!) Luckily, no injury to the kid, and the huz was driving so it is, of course, ALL HIS FAULT. (as are most of my fitness purchases and subsequent fitness failures!)

OH Crap, I had to update my blog because I amost completely forgot about the ear staples! Or maybe I tried to block it out. Please re-read if you get the chance, 'cos that one is beyond shameful!

I just stumbled across your blog via Crystal's and thought I would put my 2 cents in......Here is my embarassing exercise story.

Am I FAT or OLD?
Current mood: dorky

I started doing Yoga, Healthy new lifestyle, drink more water, watch less TV......blah blah blah, excuse me while I go smoke.

So I bought a yoga tape on Amazon.com..

"Yoga for fat people" that's not the actual title, but that's the general idea. There are certain